Mumble mumble

"Life is a vicious cycle. What you do today will hit you squarely on the face one day in the future without warning"

was glancing the papers today and this quote caught my attention so decided to post it up here.

so..been away for a while. had been sick and working extra hours at the company. sometimes i feel im not an trainee anymore. feels more like an employee there. on monday, although i had fever, i finished work only by 6.30. When i come home, the last thing i want to see is a computer screen:)

life goes on as usual with it's own up and downs. sometimes i keep asking myself will i be able to achieve all that i wanted before i die? like yesterday, i was just lazing on bed and this thought hit me hard. im already 22 and i am not getting any younger. whatever that i want to achieve, i must do it now before it's way too late.

was looking at my grandma who recently came to stay with us again. she is almost 90 years old and is senile. just observing her made me think, what kind of life is this? we work, we follow the same old routine devotedly and one day, we dont even know who we are and what is happening around us and POOF..we are gone..

life at work..well, to tell the truth, im getting really bored of the same routine, the same faces..the same old white washed walls! sigh! not that i hate it.. some people are pretty nice. i learn a lot about life from them. and you can find all kinds of species here..from truly rotten mould to absolute gold.

getting close to my superior and her kids too:) my boss was telling me how her husband doesnt like it when she goes home late. well, she's not your typical working cum housewife kind of person. she's active and mind you, strong! and i mean really strong. just last week, i was struggling to move a huge old printer out of my way and there she came and pushed it aside with ease. you will be suprised to see that kind of strength coming out from a small petite woman. and she walks so fast, i find it so hard to catch up especially when im following her back home. i practically run to catch up with her at the car park. she's also very much involved in toastmasters and i guess she actively keeps in touch with her buddies just like how i used to be during my university days. hmm..i wonder how i will be when im married..

nothing much to write today. will continue tomorrow if i have the strength. ever since i started working, my immune system has gone from bad to worse. falling sick every fortnight.

rite..ciaoz!

A letter to myself

Girl,

You were put here to live on your own. Forget about other existence. Think about yourself. Sometimes it is better to live alone rather than to live with a bunch of people, talking about senseless things for the sake of fun.

Forget about the illusions that this world presents to you. Turn inside and keep yourself company. Live in complete solidity, as it provides peace that nothing else can offer you.

Stop living for other people. When the time comes, they will move on with their lives. That’s when you will start sinking and no one will bother to pull you out of the waves of turmoil. Whatever you do, you are the one only who will bear the consequences later. No one else will shoulder it for you.

Whatever decisions you make in your life, put yourself, your family and your loved ones first. Nothing else comes in between. Don’t let unnecessary ideas from outside affect your decision. An outsider will always be an outsider, given a right chance, everything will be ruined for you.

Emotions are the key to your bliss. Don’t let anyone touch that part of you. Once ripples of sadness affect you, you know very well how much it disturbs your peace of mind. Remember, once you almost became a lunatic, with shame, guilt, anger, sadness and betrayal all mixed into one. Do you want to go through it again?

If a problem protrudes in your life, don’t let it rule you. Solve it and let it be gone. Don’t expect others to solve it for you and don’t sit around, contemplating about it, wishing and wishing that it never happened in the first place. Whatever disappointments come your way, just face it and throw it aside. You can’t change the past but the future is there for you to design and reshape.

Remember, you maybe passionate about something but others might not be. They will pretend in front of you and one day, when a better offer comes, they will say goodbye. Not everyone is sincere, so when you trust someone, make sure that person is worth it. Even if in the end, you realize that the person is not worth your trust, don’t despair. Take it as a lesson and move on. Do not expect everyone to appreciate you and your feelings no matter how true it is. Be prepared for anything for you cannot predict what has already been in store for you.

Stop planning your life based on others. Stop spending your time thinking about others, their misdeed and clutter your mind with confusion. I don’t see any reason to torture yourself like how you are doing now for the mistakes of others. Stop blaming yourself for the blunder of others. Stop pretending like everything is fine. Where is the logic? Explain it to me.

Why must you keep thinking of people who hurt and cheat you so badly? Why must you let them into your life and bully you again? Can’t you see the truth all laid out perfectly right in front of you? Are you blind? What’s life for you is just a game for others.

Most important of all, don’t do to others what others have done to you and don’t plan on revenge no matter how good it makes you feel. Remember the pain and anguish that you went through. Do you really want to bestow such a torturous gift upon others? If that’s what you want, then there is no difference between you and those who hurt you. You were born sincere, better to die sincere.

This life is both heaven and hell for you. It’s how you look at it that decides which one is right for you. Just don’t let mere mortals invade your mind and soul. They are just worthless creatures, lingering around, like demons who take your off your track and push you into the ravine of agony whenever you are not careful. You don’t want to be associated with devils, do you?

I know your life for the past few months had been an emotional roller coaster ride but let’s look at it from a brighter side. (Hey, that even rhymes!) It taught you a very good lesson. All this while, you were cooped up in your cocoon. Now you know how outside life is.

I want you to know that I’m proud of you. Proud that even when you had fallen and hurt yourself badly in this mad race, you managed to get up with dignity. You managed to control your emotions to a certain extent. I’m really proud of you. You didn’t bother others with your problems even when you were on the verge of giving up on everything. You kept it well hidden and you managed to get over it gradually. Girl, you are truly growing up.

I understand for a fact that working life is new to you and I also know that you are sick of it but you can’t escape it for now. Not yet. So it’s about time you take the right step to change this wretchedness to joy. Take your work as a challenge, a mountain that you wish to concur. No matter how hard it gets, you have to climb on to reach the peak. Every achievement, no matter how small, is a sweet victory. Enjoy it but don’t expect others to appreciate it. Expecting admiration from others is the first thing that destroys your victorious feat.

Count your blessings. This life is a gift from God. Appreciate it. Be thankful for the family, friends and a special soul mate that God had given you. Those are the most important people in your life. Don’t let them wallow in sorrow with your confusion.

Whatever it is, whatever that comes your way, whatever that disturbs your journey, just be your true self, ..just be your true self..

“The ability to think is god’s gift to you. What you think is your gift to yourself”

Lunatic

wrote this on 22 July 2003

had time to kill..so typing it up here..

enveloped by the velvety blackness,
embraced by the silent mystery of the night,
trapped in the eerie darkness of the mind,
imagination running wild.

the soul weeping for sacrifice,
uncontrollable turmoil creeps in,
thirst and hunger of the heart,
ignored, unnoticed,
lingers unsatisfied.

challenging the dimension,
the world shuns,
gripped with fear, confusion, misery,
searching for an identity,
confusion coloured with hues of evil,
the mind speaks a language of it's own,
symbol of power, unhuman, bonding in a deathly spell.

black and white blends together,
the skull spits blood,
screaming like a tortured animal,
threatening the innocent,
the universe spins and spins,
no fear, no God, no rules,
Only me,
Unstoppable..

one soul, different colours,
slave of the mindless mind,
hues of ugliness,
haunted by the past,
who am i?

* pretty depressing huh? well, wrote this after watching a cannibal movie, it really made a small impact in my mind..oh no..not to become one..was just thinking how sick humans can be and tried to get into their mad world..the poem was one breakthrough to capture the essence, i guess i managed to get a bit of it..

unexplainable

i wrote this today..i guess it explains my state of mind today...

the maze is endless,
consumed by the power of darkness,
the soul searches for freedom,
the chant for happiness overwhelms.

there is no escape without light,
nightmares lurk in dreams,
shadows dancing,prancing,
the drama continues.

the struggle for life,
stained with guilt,doubt and sorrow,
the door closes with sealed silences,
a tear licked dry by the flames of confusion.

a ray of hope flickers,
a soul continues its search,
blinded by the cosmic shroud,
the saga ends without a beginning,
the answer buried deep, lost without a trace..

bla bla bla

i wonder where did my weekend go..it just vanished without a trace and monday is here. tomorrow, when i get up, i will ask myself again, what on earth are you doing? i cant beleive i struggled for four years just to torture myself like this. ahh..what am i complaining? im just an industrial trainee..yeah yeah..i know..that's what they all say..everyone's problem is big to the respective individual..so i guess mine is pretty huge for me.

no, i dont care about the work. im almost doing the work of a normal employee there with deadlines everyday. i just feel the agony of seeing certain faces back in the company. i get so stressed out until i can't eat and i gobble bars after bars of chocolate just to soothe my depression. i just can't beleive jerks exists in this world.

without music to accompany me, i think i would have been a lunatic by now. i just keep asking myself howcome i didnt become deaf with the volume all hiked up, wishing i can tune it up higher and higher, limitless.

what the heck was i thinking? nevermind, it's all a part of the learning process but something puzzles me though..how long must i keep learning? what's the use anyway? the knowledge wont take me anywhere. everything is just a big piece of waste.

what am i doing? oh.. just what am i doing?

you will never appreciate something unless it's no longer there

all these while when you were always there for me, i took you for granted. i never really appreciated you and i didnt treat you well but you were still there for me, caring and loving without a condition and always making sure that i dont get hurt. when i am down or if i need help, you always come rushing to rescue me but i was too blind to notice all that at that time. i kept trying to find care and love elsewhere without realising it was already there with me all the while.

but when you needed me the most, i kept pushing you aside. i never stopped and thought about how hurt you will get. i didnt include you in my life and went on with my routine. i was so bothered about other people who dont even mean a thing in my life.

when you came and told me that you might be leaving to some other place, i realised what a complete fool i had been. why was i so blind and selfish, unable to see the pure love god had bestowed on me through you?

the whole night, i cried myself to sleep. it felt as if something so important and precious is slipping away from my hands. i know i can never find someone like you. im such a fool, such a complete fool.

im so angry with myself for losing the humanity in me. i treated you so badly but you were still there for me. when did i become so materialistic, selfish and self centered? i never wanted to be one. nothing mattered to me but love and now i am being the exact opposite. why did i let the outside world change me?

i have realised my mistake and i beg for your forgiveness. please dont go..please dont go...i can't live without your love..

heavy heart..

in my sorrow and in my problematic situation, there is still one lady who made me feel so loved. a love without a reason, without causes, without any relation. i dont even know her name. even while writing this, i can feel my eyes moisten. i will never forget what you did for my birthday. even my parents didnt do that for me. your simple kindness filled my heart with gratitude. i realised one thing on my birthday yesterday because of you. pure love still exists in this world. i love you! Thank you so much..

Yesterday i felt so loved but today i can tell you something, i am beginning to hate everyone and everything except you. if it is possible, i want to take you with me to paradise and never come back and get entangled in this bloody mess. just you and me and i will make sure you are always happy even if it means sacrificing my own little life...

enough lar enough,i cannot take it anymore

The whole time "YOU" were sitting beside me, the only thing that played in my mind was Black Eyed Peas song titled “shut up”. I kept repeating the lyrics in my head whenever you talked but too bad, you didn’t know that and you kept asking me why I was so quiet.

and appa..why cant u realise im all grown up and i can decide things myself. why do you need to get into my personal life and now i feel so confused, afraid and unprepared. when the right time comes, i will decide. not now! dammit! all this while was minor things, you controlled my freedom and i kept quiet but this is tooo much...I feel like giving everything up and run off somewhere.

stop pressuring me like this. i will explode one day.

Everyone just seem to be stepping on my nerves today. Well, not just today. For the past few days, my temper just flares until I feel like screaming my heads off at everyone. I feel like a hot raging fire, ready to burn everything that comes on my way.

im exhausted, sick and tired of all these. i want to run off to Himalayan mountain and never come back..NEVER EVER! i mean it!

Morning bugle

I can sit and sing the song titled “ A whole new world” from Aladin because that’s how I feel right now. I feel I am going to embark on a different journey from now on. A life very different from the one I used to lead. I am not afraid, yes, I am not afraid indeed.

While on the way to work today, my mind was occupied with some thoughts about the future. I was asking myself what do I really want to do in this life and I realized something. Although I want to do well in my career, my education, have a family and have some good properties, I am not really crazy about all these things. I want to help those in need. That is something I really really am passionate about. But somehow deep down, I kept asking myself, what do you really want in this life?

I kept asking myself this question and I realized all I really want in this life is to see God. Yeah, maybe after reading this, some people might think I am acting pious or people might think I am a spiritual person. The fact is, I’m neither of those. I am just a simple normal girl but my thirst to see God seems to deepen each day. I kept asking myself the reason for my existence. Why was I born? Just to live, study, have a family and one day die? No! There has to be a deeper reason for all this. Who gave this life to me? Why was I born? What makes me alive and what makes me die one day? Why, caught in the cycle of this life, I have forgotten the one who put me here in the first place? Why? These questions seem to bug me every morning when I am on the way to work.

When I get up in the morning, my thoughts are filled with the problem of the day and I tell myself, there are better things out there to think about rather than to load my brain with other problem and I start thinking of God and I long to see him. There are just too many questions in my head that I want to ask him and only he can give me answers.

I used to have many dreams, buying cars, these and that but now I ask myself, why do I want all that? To show off? I don’t need all that. Don’t get me wrong, I am not denouncing the world. I just want to see God and clear the questions in my head. I want to know the reason for my existence. I just desperately need to know…

dejavu

last weekend was a pretty hectic weekend. rushed to KL to take back my things from cyberjaya.

the moment i saw my campus, my heart was filled with some kind of painful sadness. the fact that the four years of my university life will not repeat again just hit me hard that time. memories after memories started haunting my mind. i really cant put it in words, the way i felt it. university life.. the best moment of my life. MMU, the place that shaped me into the person i am today. im so grateful for the four years..my heart is filled with undefinable gratitute.

i am outspoken now,more confident and no matter how hard and how deep i fall, i still beleive i can get up and get going. on friday, i attended my second toastmaster's meeting and they asked if i wanted to talk and i dont know where i got the courage but i just went and talked. i know if i had never gone to MMU, i wouldnt have done that.

so far i have attended two interviews and i am amazed with myself. i can really talk and answer each and every question properly. i owe it all to MMU, the place that taught me to be a person.

i am also suprised at the way i managed to control my emotions at work and in my personal life. i dont really care about what people think about me anymore. as long as i know i am right and as long as i dont hurt anyone in the process...i just continue with my plans and with my life. i used to be so worried about people's impression about me but now i realise no matter what i do...i cannot satisfy each and every person in this word. MMU taught me this..it really did,no kidding..

even now, while writing this, i feel the sharp pain again. i really really am going to miss it. not to say working life is miserable. i enjoy working but i hate the mentality of the people here. there is no sincerity. they just dont care about anyone.

such wonderful memories..MMU..thanks for making me woman.

tell-it-to-Thelma

I was reading thru “tell it to Thelma” column in the star newspaper the other day and there was this girl who wrote in, facing a dilemma on who to choose in her life, her boyfriend who needs to support his family, financially insecure and cant guarantee a marriage yet or the rich guy her family chose for her.

Thelma’s advice made me think..She asked a question that still keeps repeating in my mind. How much sacrifice can u make for love? Would u rather scrape daily to live for the sake of love or would u rather come home to luxury? Do u think u can be happy, just living and making ends meet for the man whom u love? Do u think u won’t have any regrets later because regret tarnishes the happiness in a marriage..?

It made me wonder, just how much does money matter in a relationship. Sure,easy to say I don’t want money, just your pure love is good enough but let’s think about it in a practical way, when it comes to marriage, money plays a certain role in it too. Im not saying love does not matter here but just wondering at the same time, how much money has influence to build or to destroy a relationship.

If I look back, my parents loved each other so much but when they got married, they were poor. both were working in government department but how much do they pay back then? But they were together though thick and thin and now both are leading a comfortable life and still love each other.

If I ask myself, I am not sure if money matters. Given a choice, I want a luxury life where I can get anything I want in a matter of seconds but two questions crop up in my mind.. would I be willing to sacrifice love for luxury and comfort, would I be willing to give up luxury for a simple life with the one I love..

Don’t get me wrong, im not being materialistic. I am clueless..money.just how much impact it has in a marriage?

Well, you know what, I guess love wins in the end, because when I die, I can’t take the luxury to my grave but I can die peacefully knowing that im loved and I am in love. Sacrifices made for love; I guess it’s worth it, the feeling more fulfilling than holding a thick wad of cash in your hands.

dunno what title to give

I was watching a movie the other day but I seriously forgot the title. It was quite an old movie but since I had nothing better to do and besides, I don’t have Astro to simply surf here and there so I choose to watch it and it turned out to be a pretty good story, not the whole of it but at least the end.

Well, the movie was practically about this married lady, Jean and married guy, Roger ,both were married to two different people but liked each other. They went out for movies together etc and even though they loved their spouses, they couldn’t resist the attraction that they had for each other.

So this guy, Roger booked a room to do “u know what” with Jean (I hated this part coz the way they did it was practically as if they just wanted to have sex with each other) and Jean ran away, saying that she cannot commit adultery and cheat her loving husband.

So she will run away, stay in a motel and call Roger, saying sorry and then a few days after that, Roger will call her up and they will meet at a beach. That was when Jean said something that really touched my heart.

“I know I am attracted to you but I forgot that I had the same attraction towards my husband when we first met. But as time went by, the passionate love turned towards a different kind of love, with gentle pecks and cuddles, not longer passionate. But still, we love each other and the love remains the same. When I first met you, I felt strong attraction but I forgot to remind myself that I had the same love with my husband when we first met. Sometimes we don’t value what is in front of us and when we do, it will be way too late, I don’t want to commit that mistake.”

How true…sometimes we maybe in a deep commitment and when we meet new people, we find new attractions and straight away we think, our old love is not passionate anymore, fading etc etc..We keep finding fault with each other but we never stop and think, that the attraction that we feel for the other person, we once had it with our spouses.

Well, back to the story, Roger will tell Jean that he is moving out coz if he still stays there, he will still be coming after her… so in the end, Jean will say”im gonna walk away from you now and never look back” and while she walked away, Roger will shout saying that he loves her but Jean, crying, ran to her car and went home.

At home, she will see her hubby and hug him, saying I love you…the surprised hubby will look at her ,kiss her and smile back..and ask what happened to you suddenly. “well, I have been away for a while and now im back for good”…

The end