Nov?

I just felt that there is a need for this post.

A lot of things just totally changed for the past few weeks. I had chance to travel, to see some countries. Grateful I am indeed but it doesn’t seem glam to me, like how I used to think it should be.

On my last trip back, the moment I arrived back in KLIA, I had a bad news from home and I rushed back to Kedah right on the spot. The news was hard to swallow, even now I feel sad whenever I think about it. I guess I am growing up and all that I used to think will be with me forever will one day go away. I just can’t bring myself to swallow that. I shudder now. The bond is so strong, breaking it will be like breaking my heart into two, and it will never heal. Ever.

I still could not swallow the news, real as it is. Just the other day I was sitting in my office and the thoughts came in, probably reality just sunk too hard, I keeled over and rushed to the toilet and cried my hearts out. Then I wiped my tears, patted my face dry and walked out smiling again. I feel like a dummy sometimes, a dummy in a puppet show.

I just hope everything turns out fine and there will be no more bad news from home. The funny thing is, even though I feel sadness is killing me inside out, I do feel alive. Not from the pain but the fact that I am alive and I should be thankful. It’s a good thing I have something so strong to hold on to that I don’t get completely blown away. I know I say I’m being killed and then the next minute I say I feel alive. Sometimes words just can’t explain things.

2007. If things go according to the project plan, I would be celebrating New Year in another country. If it was me a few years ago, I would probably jump up and down in glee but right now, I’m still wreaking my brains trying to find someone else to replace me.

;-)