Whisper of the heart

Without yourself, you are alone...

Monday, January 31, 2005

Love is in the air =)

I saw this Indian boy on the way to work last week near the BM Murugan temple. He was probably around 16 to 17 years old. Smartly dressed in his school uniform, he strolled slowly down the street. I have this habit of looking at school children for it reminds me of my schooling days and puts a smile on my face.

So as usual, i glanced at this boy and i was transfixed. He's sooooo good looking. Since i have been deprived of doing my 'cuci mata' work for sometime, i kept looking at him while driving and he also looked back.

Then today, i saw him again and the moment he saw my car, he turned to look at me. Our eyes were locked on each other for more than a few seconds.(Ahem!)

*Kadhal kadhal kadhal* (*Love love love*)

Yeah yeah i know I know, he's just a school boy BUT STILL, he's so cute, so i had to look. No harm in looking, right? Right or wrong, i'm still gonna look..he he!

He probably had two thoughts in his mind when he looked at me today.
1. What a gatal working woman
2. What a gorgeous looking babe. Too bad she was born earlier than me.

I'll stick with the latter. Heehaaa!

My boyfriend's gonna kick me when he reads this..

:-D
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Sunday, January 30, 2005

=~(

Aiyo..must go to work tomorrow..
Bluek!
Hmmmpp!
Duh!
Arghhhhhh!
Sigh!
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My new hp




I've got a new handphone, YAHOOO!
I bought it with my own salary, YAHOOO!
It's color screen, YAHOOO!
It has GPRS service, YAHOOO!
It has polyphonic ring tone, YAHOOO!
It's so nice, slim and small, YAHOOO!
I'm so excited, YAHOOO!
It cost me less than 500, YAHOOO!

Now, minus all the necessary expenditure plus monthly savings,my bank balance is just nice to survive for this month with no extra frills, YAHOOO! ...oh man...
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Saturday, January 29, 2005

Helplessness

I see him everyday, while driving,taking the turn near BM. Wearing the same yellowed, dirty white shirt, long black trousers, he crosses the street painfully slow, dragging behind his shorter right leg.

On the same street, i see another old Indian man, sitting on the corridor,outside a closed, run down coffee shop. What he does there baffles me for the street is not bustling at 7.45 am.

When i come to work, i see an old Malay man, sweeping the garden and walking around in the hot sun, tending to the trees and plants in the company.

The old Indian guard at my factory proudly proclaims that brand new BMW parked in the factory belongs to him.

I saw a short documentary on TV about a young Sri Lankan boy who lost his siblings and mother to the tsunami. He was sitting on a plastic mat, staring blankly with a few dollars on his hands, pleading for someone to take the money and return his mother and siblings to him. He had lost everything and has nowhere to go.

Only one thought plays in my mind. These old men would probably never feel luxury in their lives. The boy..would he be able to put his life together again? And..i often wonder out loud, how am i ever going to help them...?
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Thursday, January 27, 2005

A messenger in disguise again

It was a completely busy weekend last week. First i was off to KL and then for two days, i was helping out at the shop and only managed 3 hours of sleep per day. I was so exhausted when i returned back to work until some of collegues asked if i was sick.

Now that everything has quiten down, when i was getting ready to work yesterday, i was filled with a tiny little painful dread that my life is going to go back to it's normal old routine again.

When i came home from KL, i started crying the moment i reached home. There was a huge longing in my heart to go back to the place i want to be. Lucky for me, dad understood, came me advices, kissed me on the cheek and told me to be happy.

I was again filled with sadness today when i was getting ready to work, part of it, out of sheer exhaustion. that was when,i was reminded of certain things that i failed to intergrate in my daily thoughts each day.

How easy it is to keep complaining each day without actually noticing how lucky i am compared to so many people out there..i was reminded today of this old blind man who was at the shop on thaipusam day on Tuesday last week. he was selling hair clips and came for lunch in the shop. while i was serving him, i spoke to him and he told me he's going back to KL from Penang after thaipusam is over. i asked him how are u going to find your way and he said, no matter where u leave me in Malaysia, i can find my way back.

He had his lunch and dinner at our shop, paid although no one asked him for money and walked away, greeting anyone within his touch,asking them to buy his hair clips. then again, he said business was not so good this time. he took his huge bag and walked away, twice bumping into a table, until i held his hands and guided him out of the shop and he walked again, straight into a man who was standing nearby, knocking him out, and then that man guided him, and he walked away slowly with his walking stick, faded clothes and a huge bag on his back, dissapearing into the crowds, filling my heart with sharp stab.

I sometimes wonder why god makes some people suffer and some people enjoy life in luxury. but i guess it all comes back to one point, count your blessings and you will be happy in life.
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Monday, January 17, 2005

:~(

It really sucks big time to be working in some remote place, away from your university friends and beloved boyfriend. Now that i have learnt driving and have the freedom to go anywhere i want but no one to go with, it really irks me. I was thinking of applying for a job in kl but dropped it as i dont want to leave my family and go..i'll miss them then. Sigh..i guess everything comes with sacrifices, u wanna be with your friends,leave your family, u wanna be with your family, leave your friends and boyfriend.

Why can't i have both? I'm feeling so lonely. Just so lonely...
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Sunday, January 16, 2005

Ransacked...

I have not really taken much interest when i hear friend's or relative's being broken into until my own house was looted last night. We went to temple at 8.30pm and my bro who was attending another function came rushing to the temple at 9.30pm saying the house was broken into.

Panicked and my mum in utter shock,kept repeating that she left all her jewels unlocked in the drawer. We rushed home to find that my room window grill had been forced open with a crow bar, all the cupboards in each room ransacked and the contents strewn on the floor, my sarees, my brother's books, photographs and other items all scattered around and stepped on, my locked drawers and my parent's dressing room drawers smashed open.The whole house was in a total mess.

Luckily, my parents just deposited their saving in the bank the day before. They ran away with some cash, jewels and my handphone which i had left charging in my room.

I always thought robberies are nothing as long as no one is hurt but now i understand the post effects of it. Home is supposed to be the safest place u can trust to be in but right now, i keep thinking that some bloody strangers had actually entered my house when no one was in, ridiculed all our personal items and had walked around freely, taking things of interest to them. All the sounds in the house, even the tinest creaking which under normal circumstances would have not bothered me seems to be freaking me out now. I wouldnt even want to be alone in the house anymore.

Even so, I'm just glad that most of the cash and jewels were safe in the bank. One thing i know now, there is no use in buying jewels. You cant wear them outside, you cant keep them inside.Might as well use the money to spend on vacations and relaxation stuff rather than spreading it out for the robbers. What's the use of saving it up in the bank either? I'm also glad that the robbers had already left when my younger brother entered the house or else i can't imagine what else could have happened.

My house was robbed between 8.30 to 9.30pm. The police investigators arrived at 12.30am to take photographs. Talk about efficiency..sigh!

Anyway, for those of you who know me personally, i have lost my handphone so i would be very grateful if you could mail me your handphone numbers as i had not saved it anywhere else.I will send you my number once i have purchased a new phone at the end of this month.

p/s: Try to read Mangai Balasegaran's article in Star today. It's an interesting read with renewed view point...










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Friday, January 14, 2005

Varuna and Muruga

I received this email at work.

########################################################








Tiruchendur LordMuruganTemple is on the sea shore - within 100 metres of the waves. The Temple is a cave with the entrance at the sea level and the cave inside is sliding down to the Sanctum Sanctorum of the LorSubramaniam ( Murugan ) . When we stand in front of the deity, the sea water level outside is higher than our heads. There is every likely hood that tidal waves and tsunamis can rush in and fill the cave Temple with sea water. In the history of the Temple, it is mentioned
that the Water God ( Lord Varuna ) has promised Lord Murugan that he will not cross the boundary of the Temple.


It seems the Water God has kept his promise. While the tsunami on 26/12/04 has lashed the eastern coast of India and inundated all places near the coast deeply, the sea water did not enter the Temple. At 10.00 Hrs on the fated day ( 26/12/04), the sea near the temple receded by a Kilometre - people could see there a big crater with rocks visible - gradually the sea came back to its normal position.


All other coastal areas near Tiruchendur were affected by the lashing of tsunami. The Temple area is unaffected as the sea receded there as though to keep the promise
given

#####################################################


I'm not sure how far it's true but the story was interesting.

Pretty creative to put certain gods to represent certain elements of
the world, huh?Varuna for water, Indra for sun, Yagni for fire (correct me
if I'm wrong).

I have always been fascinated by Lord Varuna, the water god. For those
of you who don't know who he is, perhaps Neptune rings a better bell. Why?
Because he is mystic, no one knows much about him and he's ever so
powerful. Like what Leena said in her blog, you can fight fire with
water but what do you fight water with?

Hmmm......

I was talking to my Chinese collegue today and i was pretty suprised
that he knows a lot about Indian stories. My grandma told me this story years back and this Chinese guy told me the same story, although he connected it with
Thaipusam...(dont ask me how)

Lord Shiva and Goddess Parvathi are husband and wife. Once Parvathi
went to bathe and no one was there to guard the enterance of her house. So she
created a boy from 'santhanam'(sandal wood powder) and asked the boy to
guard the enterance of her house and never let anyone in. Lord Shiva at
that time, went hunting and upon returning, he wanted to enter his
house and his way was blocked by the boy since his 'mother' had asked him
never to let anyone in.

Eventually Lord Shiva was so angry that he took out his sword and
beheaded the boy. The impact was so hard that the head flew to the 7th planet of
the galaxy. Parvathi, upon hearing the commotion outside, came out and saw
her 'son' without his head. She was so angry and asked Shiva to return with
her son's head. Shiva went searching and the first thing he tumbled upon
was an elephant so he beheaded the elephant and fixed it on the boy. And
there,our elephant god, Ganesha was born.

Wondered by Ganesha has one broken tusk? It was broken off and given to
a great sage (i dunno his name)to write the Mahabaratham epic.

I'm writing this in my company email system actually. So free, nothing
to do today. Boss not around, he he!

Between, i have started talking to the indian lady. She calls me 'moi'
and always asks if i had eaten or not.

Finally, i freaked out while driving today. While taking a corner, i
wanted to change gear from gear 4 to gear 2 but it didnt enter properly. i
tried so many times but the gear stubbornly remained in free state. the car
slowed down, i didnt know what to do, panicked, almost wanted to cry
and finally signalled to the side, stopped for a while and resumed back the
journey, praying it wont happen again. hope it doesnt do the same thing
again, it's so freaky. well, i hope i will return home safely today.

Well, if you are reading this post today, that means i'm still
alive..Yahooo!!!
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Monday, January 10, 2005

The news

KESHAVANPALAYAM, India (AFP) - India's untouchables, reeling from the tsunami disaster, are being forced out of relief camps by higher caste survivors and being denied aid supplies, activists charged.


Kuppuswamy Ramachandran, 32, a Dalit or untouchable in India's rigid caste hierarchy, said he and his family were told to leave a relief camp in worst-hit Nagapattinam district where 50 more families were housed.


"The higher caste fishing community did not allow us to sleep in a marriage hall where they are put up because we belong to the lowest caste," Ramachandran said.


"After three days we were moved out to a school but now the school is going to reopen within three days and the teachers drove us out," he said.


"Where will I take my family and children? The school had no lights, toilets or drinking water," available for the displaced.


More than 6,000 people died when tsunamis struck this southern Indian coastal district on December 26 and activists said that included 81 Dalits, who were daily wage earners working in agricultural lands.


The ferocious wall of sea water destroyed swathes of farm land and the Dalits no longer have any employment.


At Keshvanpalayam, the Dalits had only flattened homes to show while survivors elsewhere enjoyed relief supplies such as food, medicines, sleeping mats and kerosene.


No government official or aid has flowed into the village which houses 83 Dalit families more than 30 kilometres (20 miles) from Nagapattinam town.


Cranes and bulldozers cleared the debris of a neighbouring fishing community, but they are yet to reach the Dalit village.


Chandra Jayaram, 35, who lost her husband to the tsunamis, said her family has not received promised government compensation of 100,000 rupees (2,174 dollars).


"At the relief camps we are treated differently due to our social status. We are not given relief supplies. The fishing community told us not to stay with them. The government says we will not be given anything as we are not affected much," Jayaram said.


S. Karuppiah, field coordinator with the Human Rights Forum for Dalit Liberation, said in some of the villages the dead bodies of untouchables were removed with reluctance.


"The Dalit villages are in most places proving to be the preferred choice of the fishing community to bury the dead. If the Dalits ask for relief materials the government says they can only give the leftovers," Karuppiah said.


"The government is turning a blind eye," he said. "When Dalits bury the dead they are not given gloves or medicines but only alcohol to forget the rotten stench."


Another activist, Mahakrishnan Marimuthu, who heads the non-governmental Education and Handicraft Training Trust, said tsunamis dealt a double blow to the caste.


"They lost their jobs, houses and relatives. On the other hand the social discrimination is proving to be worse," he said.





The government denied the allegations and said it was providing relief to every tsunami-affected family.

"There is no intention of closing down any camps and we are providing relief to each and every family. We will provide temporary shelters as these relief camps are getting overcrowded," said Veerashanmugha Moni, Nagapattinam's senior government administrator.

The United Nations (news - web sites) Children's Fund UNICEF (news - web sites) said government, relief agencies and aid workers did not discriminate against the Dalits but the caste issue always exists.

"All the aid going in is distributed the same way to all survivors. The social discrimination has been there during normal times," said Amudha, who heads a team of UNICEF volunteers in Nagapattinam.

"After the disaster happened it is still continuing. That is nothing new," she said.

Vijaya Lakshmi, spokeswoman for South India Federation of Fishermen Societies, agreed and said one could not wish away a centuries-old caste system when a disaster struck.

"If they (Dalits) are comfortable by staying separate they will," she said
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Saturday, January 08, 2005

At times like this, cruelty still takes place...

UNTOUCHABLES DRIVEN OUT FROM RELIEF CAMPS

THE STORY ABOVE MAKES ME ANGRY. WHY CANT CASTE SYSTEM BE ABOLISHED FROM OUR COMMUNITY? WHY? WHEN THE DEAD BODIES ,VICTIMS OF TSUNAMI WERE FOUND, WERE THE HIGH CLASS BODIES FRAGRANT AND THE LOWER CASTE STINKING? KEEP DIVIDING YOURSELVES UP, ONE DAY ALL THE LOWER CASTE PEOPLE WILL CONVERT TO OTHER RELIGION, THEN WE SHALL SEE WHERE SUPERIORITY COMES IN...

SIGH!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
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A silent wail

It's improving, slightly.

But i'm afraid...afraid that it wont last long.

I leave everything at the feet of the Lord I had grown fond of for the
past
few years.

I want to go to sleep every night without tears in my eyes, without
weight
in my heart.

I feel so lost right now..so very lost...

It feels like riding a train without a destination, without a purpose,
without any companion.

Leaping from it sounds like the only solution but it wont solve
anything, I
know.

I need to be strong, face it and go on. I need to find motivation, i
need
to find the reason and fight to be the best, i must count my blessings.

But at times like this, it all doesnt seem to help.

Again, I rest my crown and leave everything at the feet of my Lord.

I pray let his blessings guide me in this life.

I'm so lost, so depressed, nothing seems to motivate me to go on.

I feel like breaking down but i'm not a weakling, i still have
strength. I
just lack something, i just dont know what..


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Fwd: Earthquake Safety - "Triangle of Life"

PLEASE READ, IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE!

> My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of
the
> American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most
experienced
> rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an
> earthquake.
>
> I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue
teams
> from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I
am a
> member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United
Nations
> expert in Disaster Mitigation (UNX051 -UNIENET) for two years. I
have
> worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for
> simultaneous disasters.
>
> In 1996 we made a film which proved my survival methodology to be
> correct.
>
> The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of
Istanbul,
> Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical,
scientific
> test.
> We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten
mannequins
> did "duck and cover," and ten mannequins I used in my "triangle of
life"
> survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled
> through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the
> results.
> The film, in which I practised my survival techniques under directly
> observable, scientific conditions, relevant to building collapse,
showed
> there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and
> cover.
> There would likely have been 100 % survivability for people using my
> method
> of the "triangle of life." This film has been seen by millions of
viewers
> on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in
the
> USA,
> Canada and Latin American the TV program Real TV.
>
> The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico
City
> during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under their desk. Every
child
> was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived
by
> lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene,
unnecessary
> and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at
the
> time know that the children were told to hide under something.
>
> Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings
> falling
> upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving
a
> space
> or void next to them. This space is what I call the "triangle of
life".
> The
> larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less
the
> object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability
that
the
> person who is using this void for safety will not be injured.
>
> The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the
> "triangles" you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most
common
> shape, you will see, in a collapsed building. They are everywhere. I
> trained the Fire Department of Trujillo (population 750,000) in how
to
> survive, take care of their families, and to rescue others in
earthquakes.
>
> The chief of rescue in the Trujillo Fire Department is a professor at
> Trujillo University. He accompanied me everywhere. He gave personal
> testimony: "My name is Roberto Rosales. I am Chief of Rescue in
> Trujillo.When I was 11 years old, I was trapped inside of a
collapsed
> building. My entrapment occurred during the earthquake of 1972 that
> killed
> 70,000 people. I survived in the "triangle of life" that existed
next to
> my brother's motorcycle. My friends who got under the bed and under
desks
> were crushed to death [he gives more details, names, addresses
etc.]...I
> am
> the living example of the "triangle of life". My dead friends are
the
> example of "duck and cover".

TIPS DOUG COPP PROVIDES:

1) Everyone who simply "ducks and covers" WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE is
crushed
to death -- Every time, without exception. People who get under
objects,
like desks or cars, are always crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies all naturally often curl up in the foetal
position.
You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival
instinct.
You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a
sofa,
next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a
void
next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during
an
earthquake. The reason is simple: the wood is flexible and moves with
the
force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large
survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less
concentrated,
crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks.
Bricks
will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply
roll
off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve
a
much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on
the
back of the door of every room, telling occupants to lie down on the
floor,
next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens while you are watching television and you
cannot
easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and
curl
up
in the foetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.

6) Everybody who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is
killed.
How? If you stand under a doorway and the door jam falls forward or
backward
you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls
sideways
you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be
killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different "moment of
frequency" (they swing separately from the main part of the building).
The
stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other
until
structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on
stairs
before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads. They are horribly
mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the
stairs.
The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if
the
stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later
when
overloaded by screaming, fleeing people. They should always be checked
for
safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.

8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If
Possible -
It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than
the
interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the
building the greater the probability that your escape route will be
blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above
falls
in
an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what
happened
with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of
the
San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were
all
killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or
lying
next to their vehicles, says the author. Everyone killed would have
survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie
next
to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them,
except
for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices
and
other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large
voids
are found surrounding stacks of paper.

I hope this useful information is never needed.









============================================
Friendship Promise

You Are My Friend And I Hope
You Know That's True.
No Matter What Happens
I Will Stand Right By You.

In Times Of Grief
I Will Give You Belief.
I'll Be There For You
Whenever You Are In Need.
To Lend You A Hand
To Do A Good Deed.

So Just Call On Me When
You Need Me, My Friend!
I Will Always Be There For You
Right To The End!
============================================
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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Screw the title

I'm beginning to feel a tiny bit of depression setting in. I find
myself
controlling my emotions very very strongly. I just hope i wont lose
grip.

I'm feeling extremely lonely at work. I dont really have anyone to talk
to.
if we talk, it's about work. No jokes in between. I wont blame them. i
just
dont know how to start or innitate a conversation. I don't know how to
make
jokes or laugh appreciatively at one. To make matters worse, they all
usually speak in their own mother tougue so most of the time, i'm lost.
I
still eat alone or bury myself in the cubicle.

Work poses a problem by itself. I feel as if 4 years in university was
a
complete waste. I'm not applying anything here. Everything is new. i
have
to learn many new languages and the dead lines to complete each
assignment
is very very short. i feel as if i'm the most dumbest person on earth.
I'm
also getting highly paranoid and feel as if my boss's eyes are always
watching me. I dont mind loads of work, as long as i know how to do it.
But
if i have not even a single clue on what the codes are all about,
that's
when i feel so damn shitty, i just wanna wring my own neck.

I'm not getting what i want from those around me. life just revolves around work place and coming home. I just cant tolerate this. I realise im making those around me suffer with my moods..

i just wanna dissapear...
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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Invitation




Thaipusam is coming soon. Anyone having any plans on coming to Penang this time? If you are coming over, do drop by at Guru Villa's, a small temporary food stall that will be set up on Sunday night, and open on the eve of Thaipusam. It should be somewhere near the temple, i think. Will update later. I'll be helping out.It's for charity purpose, managed by a spiritual organization.so do drop by and give your support.
Thanks!
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Monday, January 03, 2005

Fate or Choice?

She came again today. Went from cubicle to cubicle, emptying the rubbish bins. Her mouth was full of betel leaves. I turned to look and acknowledge her presence but she never looked up. Not at me, not at anyone else.

I saw her again, mopping the toilet floor and then wiping the department glass panes. Not even once she looked at anyone directly in the eye. She was not alone. There were many more.

It just gives me a tiny slicing pain in my heart to see her everyday. That is the precise time when i feel the weight in my heart. Only when she leaves, i actually realise that i was gripping my hands together tightly.

Sigh! How long more do Indians need to go collect rubbish and clean other people's mess? HOW LONG MORE????
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A load of crap

I am writing this from the office. Couldnt post it to my blog straight
away though since the internet usage here is limited to work purposes only.
if any funny url is found in the monthly log file, i have to go and answer
to the Japanese System's General Manager. Mampoi aku! Somemore i might
write some nonsense in my blog, in case he reads it, i will have to wear a
mask to work the next day then, he he!

Dont know why, suddenly having a strong urge to blog. probably because
i have not been updating my blog regularly for the past few weeks. You
can't blame me though. Computers are only attractive when you are not working
with one. Get what i mean? after almost 8 hrs of pc at work, last thing
iwanna look at is my home computer screen. I look at the TV screen
though,he he!

I was looking up for some thing over the net just now, and suddenly out
of the blues, i was reminded of the revenge i wanted to take some time
back.Just the mere thought of it filled me with so much anger and repulsion.
If i had it my way, I just want to kill that person. I have never hated
anyone so much. Never! I could not find a place in my little heart to forgive.
Not even a teeny tiny bit.

The angelic part of my mind said "Just forget about the whole thing.
After all, it's a new year. Forget about the dark past."

But then will the devil part keep quiet? It said, "You old fool, how
can you just forget it after all that had happened? You will have to pay
backeven if it takes your whole life time".

Well, i guess i wanna be a bit of the devil then. Not that i wanna
dedicate my life to revenge and then go nuts if it doesnt work out. (happens in
most Tamil movies) but somehow someway I will make the person regret and
that time, the pain will kill.

I guess revenge part one was already done. How the person took it, i
dont know, i dont care. Not my problem anyway. Now I'm just waiting for the
final one...Let's just wait and see...

On a different note, the department manager was scolding one of my
collegues today. Hearing the words, my stomach gave a sturdy lurch.
Sigh, i just hope i wouldnt get scolded like that. "Pergi university pun kena
marah, pergi kerja pun kena marah..., apa punya dunia!"

I am beginning to have doubts on the sanity of programmers and software
engineers.

First there is html, xhtml,then there is xml.
Then combine html with java and voila, jsp is born.
Chip in servlets and scriplets, Jakarta Tomcat meows in..
JReport and Crystal report add to the pain.
I have to learn all by the end of this month.
The blogress sees stars dancing on top of her head..

Not bad ah..nice poem :p
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Sunday, January 02, 2005

Vedham



Seriously, phewwiittt!


I was watching the Tamil movie, Vedham again today. I think this is the fourth time and seriously I am never bored with it. For me, it's one of the greatest movies taken, acted by Sakshi (above) and Arjun, with a strong message imparted subtly and interestingly. An excellent movie for those in a relationship to watch and learn. It’s not a romantic lovey dovey movie; it’s a realistic and simple movie with a hint here and there on how a bond between life partners should be. Every time I watch it, I seem to learn a new thing.

On other note, my ex boss sent me this forward email. The story maybe a little absurd but I love the morale of it.

There was once this guy who is very much in love with his girl.This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes as a gift to his girl.Although, at that time he was just a small fry in his company, his future doesn't seem too bright, they were very happy together. Until one day, his girl told him she was going to Paris and will never come back. She also told him that she cannot visualise any future for the both of them, so they went their own ways there and then...

Nevertheless , the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence, he worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of himself.

Finally with all the hard work and the help of friends, this guy had set up his own company ...
You never fail until you stop trying.

One rainy day, while this guy was driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella in the rain walking to some destination. Even with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realize they were his girl's parents. With a heart in getting back at them, he drove slowly beside the couple, wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan.

He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same any more; he had his own company, car, condo, etc. He made it! What he saw next confused him, the couple was walking towards a cemetery, and so he got out of his car and followed...and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone and he saw his paper cranes right beside her...
Her parents saw him. He asked them why this had happened. They explained, she did not leave for France at all. She was ill with cancer. She had believed that he will make it someday, but she did not want to be his obstacle... therefore she had chosen to leave him. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

She had wanted her parents to put his paper cranes beside her, because, if the day comes when fate brings him to her again...he can take some of those back with him...

Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever. The guy just wept...The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside her knowing you can't have her, see her or be with her ever again.........hope you understand. Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much to you, for you might wake up one morning losing that person who you thought meant nothing to you.


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Summary of the week :D

A short summary of my life for the past one week, he he!

-I have started driving to work. So far, I have almost killed two people, almost banged three cars and almost killed myself once. In addition, i have almost overturned my car while taking a corner with the forth gear at 50km ph. Not bad for a starter eh?

-I triggered the alarm system in my company twice so far for forgetting to use my access card to scan in first. The alarm does not only sound in my department but throughout the whole company. I don't know where to hide my face for now.

-I found out the old indian guard at my company is actually related to me. How? He's married to my mum's mother's younger brother's daughter. Confused? Here, let me rephrase that. He's married to my maternal grandmother's younger brother's daughter? Still confused? He's my materal grandmother's younger brother's daughter's husband. Even more confused? Hit your head on the wall :P We both didn't know that until he saw my cousin sister, who sent me to work once. Wah la la..from now on, i'll have extra security for myself ;) Can't do any 'monkey' work though..damn! :(

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Health take

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Wrath of the Ocean Gods




Much have been said and written about the impact of the earthquake and tsunami from the Indian Ocean.

I have been totally ignorant of the full impact of the force until I actually picked up the newspaper three days back, only to find out that the death toll had risen up to more than 100,000. True, my grounds slightly trembled that day but little did I know that at the same time, many were fighting for dear life across the region.

I see pictures of death everyday. Corpses, mass burial, destruction, stench. I can’t imagine the pain the victims had gone through. It makes me feel like a fool to sit here only to extend grief and sympathy.

Yet again, at this time, I am filled with many questions that no one can answer. Why? Why did this happen? Why the God who created us, breathed life into us, could actually take it back in such a cruel manner? Why?

When I look at the pictures of bodies, I realized the greatness of each breath that I take. Truly, once that ‘something’ that resides inside of us leaves our body, we become useless. No matter even if it’s the most beautiful person on earth, once dead, it’s no longer beautiful. Just a corpse, with the real ‘beauty’ departed.

If I was in that situation, being washed to death, what would my last thoughts be? Would I fight? Would I give in? Would I think of my loved ones or would I think of God? Would I think about all my responsibilies or would I think of all the things I had always wanted to do? Would I be filled with sadness or would I be filled with anger? Would I be happy, willingly giving back my life to the ‘person’ who actually gave it to me? What would those who had perished had in their minds while battling the waves that battered them to death?

It just takes a single swipe, a bat of an eye to lose this precious life. I have heard this line many times, “Life is short, enjoy while you can”. What kind of enjoyment will actually make me feel better when I’m fighting for my last breath?

I asked my friends and they told me to quit talking crap. I asked my teacher and he gave me scientific answers. I referred to Bagavath Gita and it told me ‘only those who think of Lord Krishna at those last moments will return back to him. I was not satisfied.

I turned to my family and they showed me a man who could answer my questions. I have embarked on a journey to find out the reasons, to find an endless happiness untouched by all the pain and misery of the world, unstained by the fingers of doubt and death. The ‘journey’ stretches for miles and miles, only with this man as my guiding light. I do not know if I will find out the answers in the end. Even if I don’t, I will continue searching until I have found a satisfying answer, which quenches the thirst in my heart. I have begun my voyage. How about you? What have you do done to find out the reason for your tiny existence in this world?



I light a candle in my heart...I pray and grief for those who had perished...May God bless your souls...






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