silly day silly me:)

basically an OK day. i found out there is a secret folder in my PC containing all the pictures of the staffs in my company right from 1973. oh boy..some of it was so funny,i was practically laughing my heads off with the other trainee.:):):) all the 70's styles and the 80's fashion..aiyodaa...cant forget the time when i almost chocked with giggling after seeing the one of the guy's pic. for a moment..err..feel bad to say these but i actually thought he was a girl...is he?

then i also found out i had the access to find all the information about staffs there coz the system database was under my control. so i was executing all kinds of commands under oracle and got informations that i need about many people..i also managed to find out information about people working in the kulim branch too.i had real fun but got one problem..im supposed to write a daily report and i dunno what to right for today..made fun of the pictures of the employees in this company and scanned the database for their information? my boss will kick my backside:)

yet..i was laughing..it was good..:)

my dearest baby cousin...

i was having terrible headache at work today. i was too worked up so i wanted to think of something soothing..then i remembered my 5 year old cousin,sarvin back in johor...

i have never seen an angel before but when i saw him for the first time,i knew i had finally seen one. his smile is enough to light up my day, his cheeky grin is enough to tell me that innocence still prevails on the face of this earth and his beautiful voice is enough to let me know that love is still strong. everytime i think of him..i feel complete peace, complete solace..

he is the most beautiful child i have ever seen. i have seen many kids before but none had this kind of effect on me. when he waved back to me from the bus when he was leaving to johor with his mum,i felt like my heart was going to melt in my heart. i thought of him all day that day.

he was the first kid who made me wish that he was mine. he invokes all the motherly love that i never knew i had in me. i want to shower him with all the love that i have and i want to protect him fiercely from all the bad and evil of this world. as long as i live, i will never let him be hurt by anyone or anything. i seriously wish he was mine.

may god bless you always my dear baby and hope your operation goes well on august 11..thats on my birthday..dear child..i am willing to give you my life on my birthday as long as you can live and be happy..i am content..

you are one of the reason why i am still holding on with this life..love u!

SMS drama..

the following are some of the silly messages that i have been receiving in my mobile for the past few days..

first one:

(016) hi! how are you?
(me) who are you?
(016) spiderman 3
(me) i seriously dont have time for silly jokes. sorry.bye!
(016) ok sorry. im KC here.i want to be your friend. can we be friends?
(me) KC? do u know me? where did u get my num?
(016) Nope

me--->i didnt reply *malas*

the next day(again)
(016) hi! good morning.

me--->i didnt reply *malas lagi*

the following day (again!)
(016) hi! why you dont like to sms me?

me--->i didnt reply *still malas*

016 called...i didnt pick up

(me) who on earth are you?
(016) what

*(&&*%^$#@!#$ i didnt reply..aduh! malasnyeee...

next:

(012) hi! how are you? can we be friends?
(me) if you want to be my friend, please identify yourself. who are you? how you know me and where you got my num?
(012) ok..my name is mohan. im from farlim working as a maintainance officer. i saw you a few times and i like you so i want to be your friend.
(me)where you saw me?
(012)at your company. i saw you and i really like you.
(me)you working same company as me?
(012) no,i came to your company last week to repair the air cond and i saw you.i like you and i tried hard to get your number and finally i got it.
(notice how many times he stressed the "i like you" part?)
(me)ok mohan..we can be friends but dont expect anything more than friendship ok?nice meeting you..take care and good nite
(012)OK! good nite
(no more messages after that until today)

you might think im proud to get this kind of messages but the truth is..it irritates the shit out of me. to you guys (016 and 012),please get a life..seriously!

nitty gritty dirty!

spoke to my father.feel so much better now. im all powerful.nothing can do anything to me now.i will not let the wound heal because everytime it hurts,that will remind me to spit at you.you agreed that you are a jerk.well,you know what? BIG SUPRISE! that's really true. i was just minding my very own business. you were just too itchy to come and complicate things for me.

from the very begining, i was very honest with you.i was very straight forward and direct. i cautioned you,i warned you and i reminded you constantly. i made sure that you wont end up feeling like a fool later. now,u have made me a fool. you have ridiculed my good intentions and good thoughts. i wish im not so naive and good natured. i wish i was one of those sly girls who know how to make use of a person for their advantage.

you told me i dont have to bother about your reputation.DAMN RITE you are! why must i bother? if i follow my heart, i could ruin it for you but i wasnt brought up that way. unfortunately,im a decent person.

i may forgive my enemy but YOU!!..NEVER! you took me off my track and pushed me into my own grave without me realising that i was falling until it was too late. thank god u were direct to me in the end.

if you are so unsure of yourself,you should have been smart enough not to involve other people in your confusion. ah..pardon me..i shouldnt say that.. you maybe smart but you are immature.seriously immature!

what the heck did i do to you????SCREW YOU BASTARD! HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL FOR ALL THAT I CARE...*lights out*

p/s: just a word of thanks for letting me learn that people like you exists in this world too..i will be careful and i will never do this to another person..

dirty dirt..

i was feeling very upset today. i have no idea why. dunno why i feel so much..dont know why i must feel so sad..

my tears were flowing in the canteen, in the office..i just couldnt stop it. i was okay till lunch time..then the shart tug in my heart started..i got so upset..my whole face turned red and i excused myself and ran to the toilet.

i just dont understand myself. if u fall into dirt,just wash it and walk off.it's not like i am dirty..then why the heck cant i forget it and get on with my life?

i will get on with my life..it just takes time..thanks to shanta akka and my chitti and soon my dad...i will be okay..i will throw everything behind me..you can go to hell..dammit!

there is so much of anger and frustration in me but i will not let that ruin me or rule me. i am a good person, good things come to good person and remember..what goes around comes around..u will feel this pain too one day..then u will know how i feel like right now..

i dont understand something..i have always been honest and truthful..it just sucks that people can still play with that until now..nvm..things will get back to you one day..i am trying so hard not to ill wish anyone..so let god decide what he wants to do next..i will not wish for anything..let my dearest god decide what is the best for you..

soon,i will find the key to the place in my heart where darkness cant find me..i will be happy and from there,i will look at you and be thankful that god has spared me..

p/s: sa darling..im sure what i am going to type next will make u turn green with envy..well i came home with my boss today and played with her 4 year old kid.he likes me soo much..score point two!:) prem..sorry for calling ur SA as my darling..btw..does anyone know how to add HIT COUNTER in blog spot? i have received a lot of messages in my friendster abt my blog..just hope i could add the counter..comments doesnt seem to work..thanks..ciaoz!

strong strong strong..the chant continues..

the deep blow came in today. now i know what is the meaning of heart pain. but whatever it is,i am a strong girl.i will not let emotions rule me. true...i am crushed but i am powerful enough to put myself back together. i will survive because i have locked my heart and thrown away the key. nothing can open it anymore and nothing can hurt me anymore. i know what i want now and i have planned my future. nobody can ruin things for me anymore. im strong..im strong..im strong..

scoreeeeeeeee!!

work is getting better...i am enjoying it..meeting people..getting myself adjusted..it's good.

yesterday dad told me something.. he said all this while he was scared about me sleeping like a pig and getting up so late in the afternoon. he thought when the time comes for me to go to work,i wont be able to wake up and manage myself but he said he was suprised to see me up everyday at 5am once my work started and getting ready in time to get to work without anyone waking me up or rushing me about..that's a big score point coming from my dad..yeee haaa!!*dancing the mambo style* he he;)

cold..

It hurts me that i could not help you but i dont know why my heart is cold. it pains me to see you suffering but i dont know why my heart is cold. it agonizes me to see you hoping against hope to finally get what you want but i dont know why my heart is cold. it kills me that i am being showered with love but i am unable to accept nor return it back. my heart is cold..just too cold..

ding dong

i realised a lot of confusion can be cleared by talking. well..glad i talked today. hopefully everything is for good. had a good time. just one thing i dont know for sure..dont really know where i will stand and how i will feel a few months from now.lets just wait and see..let the drama begin..

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!:)

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!:)

pretty lazy day. was just lazing around the house,thinking and contemplating abt something..nothing much to write..work starts again tomorrow.sigh! so malas:(

never judge a book by it's cover

yesterday was a wonderful experience. i learned one thing..never judge a book by it's cover..well,not that i dont know that before but yesterday was the biggest impact.

there is this man in my office..same room but different section..he's under finance..his name is shankar..about my dad's age and he had this really stern face and never smiles.i usually avoid looking into his direction and hate seeing him anywhere. yesterday the lady who usually sends me to work was on leave so i followed my boss,Mdm Radhiga to work.after work she said she couldnt send me so she asked me to follow Mr shankar and she made the necessary arrangements. i was terrified inside but i had no choice but to follow him back.at 5.30,he was sitting on his desk so i went over and asked him..sir..shall i wait for u at the guard post? and he said,yeah yeah..i will send u back and with an angry face..he looked at me and said..why u calling me sir for? and his collegue piped in,call him uncle..i was so blur and mr shankar again said,"u call me uncle or sir and i wont send u back". and then i realised he was playing with me:)went down to the guard post and waited for him to come down with all kinds of thoughts in my mind-what on earth am i going to talk to him..arghhh!i was supposed to follow him back to his house,wait for him to get ready (coz he wanted to go to the kulim golf course,his house is in bm) and i was wondering how uncomfortable i am going to feel in the house etc etc etc. and then finally he came down and said come follow me. then we started talking..we spoke abt education at first. then he asked me how i travel to work and was making fun of the daily juggle i do in order to get to work. he offered to take me if i dont mind. then we spoke abt our favourite singer..i like enya and sting and he was suprised. he said to like enya and sting,u must have a certain level of intelligence.he he!it turned out,he likes enya,sting and enigma. we were discussing abt it.we spoke abt toastmaster and he asked me to follow him to the meeting next next week.we spoke abt animals(german shephard,cocker spaniels,dobermans) and then abt national geographic and aliens and eric von daniken and then we reached his house..oh boy..that is truly my dream house..it's so extremely beautiful.with all the indian touches..wow! i couldnt find words to desribe it but i have truly falled in love with the house.i have never seen anything like it before. his cute cocker spaniel greated us,all ready to jump on me. i played with it for a while.then went inside,had tea and biscuits.his wife went out for a walk and truly speaking,i was in complete ease at the house.watched tv and explored the house.

then he was ready and we were in the car again..talking abt spirituality and we were arguing and talking and discussing.he is such a knowledgeable man and i truly look up to him. i want to be like him too.there were so many things to talk abt and i was really sad coz i felt we reached kulim way too soon.(and earlier i was contemplating how boring the ride was going to be:))

it was an eye opener. hope i will have more opportunities to discuss interesting matters with him next time.yee haa!!

whispers of the heart

there is pain in me but i dont know why my heart is so cold and hard.i find forgiveness inside of me but i could not find acceptance. i dont know why the door is shut so firmly,there is not even a single crack to find the old path back and restore it. i dont want to hurt a single soul. i am hurt myself and i dont know why i am suddenly emotionless and heartless.i feel numb. nothing matters to me anymore.i dont know if i had sinned.i do not find anything evil in my heart.just total emptiness.i want to be on my own.let time and fate decide what comes next..

i dont blame anyone for whatever that had happened. time to wake up and face the fact. there is no use in blaming anyone. it's not worth it. i dont know why i am willing to throw all the years of history behind but i know one thing..i have turned into a person without any kind of feelings..no sadness..no happiness..nothing..just a person who lives and accepts whatever that comes her way. nothing bothers me..nothing matters to me..i dont want to rely on anyone.as long as i am breathing,i can walk along the path of this life alone in complete solace..

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

too tired..lots of things to say..will save it up till tomorrow..wait ppl:)

rattle rattle rattle

monday 14th june was unforgettable..sweet memories..puts a smile on my face..:)

couldnt do much work at the company for the past two days.realised that i had been staring at the same line of codes for hours either thinking of something else or just blankly stare into space without anything in my mind.im just too tired. but tomorrow i shall begin again..no dreaming..

pretty sad that im unable to read much these days. the news paper goes untouched..cant get enough time to devour any books..dammit..

btw..where did everyone go? how come the blog became silent so suddenly?

Apes..

mdm thevi told me something very interesting today,while travelling to work. she mentioned that she watched astro discovery channel and there was this documentary about human-like apes in utophia. unable to contain my excitement since this kind of curiousity invoking magnificient beings never fail to fascinate me,i set out to make my own investigation (although im dead tired)and i didnt find out anything about these creatures.i do hope any of the reader's here would be able to help me on this. would really love to find out more on these beings.yeah i know all apes are humanlike but the ones she said walks on two legs and communicate in a very humanlike manner but just without words..oh boy..i wish i saw the documentary..too bad i dun have astro at home:(

however i did come across a page that has close close resemblance to some questions that had been playing in my mind for quite some time. practically it is about the violence that had been happening all around the world. last sunday there were some vivid photographs abt the torture in iraqi prisons. it was really disgusting and i dont know why..when i see people being tortured and people torturing one another,it deeply affects my mind and i keep thinking about it..well..lets get back to the article..here's what i found out..

Of the five major primate groups in our family tree, four are rife with violent behavior and/or the sort of chauvinist social hierarchies we’ve seen in human beings over the course of history. Orangatans rape; chimpanzees raid and murder and kill infants, and force unwilling female chimps into sexual activity. Gorillas have a harem organization; baboons kill each other, fight over females and also force females into sexual activity. In fact, there are precious few of the things we might traditionally define as "sin" or "evil" that is not already prevalent somewhere in the primate world.

So which primate is the exception? Only recently have scientists begun to study a primate once incorrectly classified as a chimpanzee, now called a "bonobo." bonobo society is perhaps the first to be found where males and females are equal, and male violence is contained by females banding together to protect each other from the larger males.

"…The females don’t often have to assert their power," the book tells us about these gentle Congo River apes. "Occasionally a male may lose his temper, attacking a female badly enough to tear her ear, for example. But such cases, as Kano’s research makes clear, are very unusual. Males rarely attack females (half as often as they attack each other), and when they do, they are liable to be driven off by a gang of females."

And liberated these chicks are. Unlike other ape or even non-primate species, female bonobos can get laid any time, any place. They will copulate freely in front of the other males—something that would greatly distress a troop of chimps or gorillas, and cause the alpha male and his subordinates to drive the copulating male off. The male bonobos, on the other hand, look on casually, sometimes quietly waiting their turn with the available female.

bonobo ladies are not above indulging in a little lesbian sex. According to the local natives, who call it "hoka-hoka", bonobo females will engage in a sort of sexual activity that resembles missionary sex but which involves rubbing the genitals together and resulting in what looks very much like orgasm for both.

It’s scandalous stuff, all right. But it makes you wonder if humans can’t evolve past their own violent, female-possessive tendencies, since male bonobos are bigger and stronger than the females and could dominate them like all their other primate cousins if only the chicks didn’t band together and keep them in their place.

humans are closer to chimpanzees than any other animal species (we share 99.6% of their DNA material), and we are *their* closest relatives as well. And chimps certainly act a lot like humans—or maybe we should say that humans act a lot like chimps. Chimpanzees appear to murder interlopers or even their own for no other apparent reason than for the sheer "fun" of it. They kill infant babies (as do gorillas, although probably for different reasons) just like humans are known to do, they threaten uncompliant females into sexual submission just like some human men do, and they raid other chimp colonies for food and to conquer and kill the foreign chimps, just like our armies do.

So human men may be violent because of their evolutionary origins, and not because of any "original sin"; but the good news is that, like the bonobos, we can rise above it. We are not slaves to our nature like our jungle cousins, and therein lies the difference.

so i guess there is hope after all..the animal instinct inside of us..it can be tamed..phew!

Emotions

i dont understand something abt this world. why is it that people judge your feelings based on the emotions that you show externally? if a person is crying over something and another people is just keeping quiet,does that mean the crying person is more affected than the second person? does anyone stop and wonder how much turmoil is going on in the heart of the second person?

just because i am calm and composed,that doesnt mean that i am not affected by whatever that is going on around me. i just hate it when people judge me based on my outer potrayal. i am a person who keeps her thoughts and her feelings to herself.sometimes i might be so terribly sad but i dont show it. i just dont like to show it. but dont judge me based on that. dont say i am not affected by something and dont say i dont care that much,thats why i am calm.

god knows how i feel inside my heart. sometimes i feel i have come to a stage where i hate everything that is around me. i sometimes dont want to give a damn about anyone or anything. people come to me asking me to consider certain things before making a decision but have they ever considered my thoughts and feelings? how can people expect me to just forget a certain thing and be normal? why must i consider the feelings of people who are not directly involved and forget abt my own sadness and dissapointments? i dont want to hurt anyone but why do people take advantage on that and make me do things that i dont want to do in the first place?

how a certain matter is affecting a certain person depends on the individual.no one else should judge if it is a small matter or big matter. let the person decide..dont judge her and dont decide for her.she knows what she wants in her life.dont confuse her for your own needs.dont be so selfish. she is a person too and she also has feelings on her own and right now she is so sad and despressed that she cant even think of anything..but she doesnt show it. she keeps it in her heart..but please dont judge her and she is not a bad person..

joke?

got this forward in my mail.read up..

1) Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want
then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

2) At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, "Yes I am. I married the wrong man."

3) Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

4) Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the
woman gets her master's status.

5) A little boy asked his father, :Daddy how much does it cost to get married?" And
the dad replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it!"

6) Son : Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

7) Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got
married, and then it was too late."

8) A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married
man looks happy, we wonder y. Affair?

10) Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the
third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.....

11) After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." And the husband replied, "Yes dear, but i was in love and didn't notice it."

12) A man inserted an ad in the classified : "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received
hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

13) When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing,
either the car or his wife is new.

14) A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And
what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A
multimillionaire."

fine fine day...

yesterday was a fine day..

managed to solve the problem with the system's login section. went down to the production line to test it.it was working.my boss was so happy,she was smiling all the time.to me,it was a huge relief.at least i have proved something,at least im worth something..

during lunch time,i sat with my engineer friend,my boss,the accounts section head,and three other employees there. i didnt know what to talk so kept quite and ate my food.and my boss and another collegue started teasing me with another guy. didnt know what to say..pretty shocked that my boss became so friendly.hope everything works out properly at work place..

after work,followed another lady,a senior in HR,home. i was supposed to take a bus home but she didnt want to let me wait in that bus station all alone so she took me home and asked my dad to come and fetch me after work. so nice of her.i had dinner at her place and sat down watching astro(cartoon network) he he! then watched annamalai together and that was when she started giving me advice abt coming to work early and also about using hp at work place.she said ppl might talk and that might ruin my reputation for further recruitment.i must be careful and thats pretty true..

went to send my cousins and chitti to the bus station with my mum and dad after that. was so sad to see my small cousin sarvin leave. he's such a cute adorable child. i wish he is mine. only 5 years old and he's having hole in heart problem. his operation is scheduled on the same day as my b day. was so sad to see him leave to johor. i really wish he is mine...

came home,slept at 2 am and woke up today at 2 pm.lucky dad didnt scold.still confused abt a certain thing.sometimes i wish i could just throw myself into my work and never think of my personal life again..ever...

by the way..nalin..i miss you..

at last..im back!

after sooo long,i finally got the time to sit down and continue with this blog.i havent used internet for almost a week and for an internet freak like me,thats a pretty longgggggggggg time.i got a few phone calls asking why i am suddenly invisible..especially pragash who asked me to change the title of my blog "Daily" thoughts of a 22 year old monkey since i am not updating it on daily basis.sorry folks..here's why i had been lost for some time.

well,mum is still in pain. she was admitted in Medicare for a few days. then was discharged.now she's in pain again and was advised to go for operation but she wanted a second opinion.went to penang GH today. doc told her to rest for 2 weeks.her nerves are swollen.

apart from that,cousin sis got married on sunday.so had been rushing to her place everyday after work and only managed to sleep after 12 daily for the past one week.it was fun..met cousins whom i never knew existed before:)talking about work...oh boy,i totally have no words to describe it..it drains away every single ounce of my energy.but i enjoy doing what i am doing,learning a lot. meeting a lot of people. kind of fun.

the wedding was at 5 am in the morning..everyone was practically sleeping at the wedding.god knows why they wanted to do it so early in the morning.my wedding,he he,dont worry.it will definately be after 12 midnight..coz thats the time most of my monkey campus friends will be wide awake (especially SA with his italian timing,no need to consider pragash though..coz he said he only allocates 5 wedding to attend to and mine is not included..phew!:P) anyway at the wedding and during the dinner,i got so many free advices from so many people,some warning me to be careful while searching for future hubby..aduh!i really cannot take it...cant even think of anything right now,wedding is the last thing in my mind.

today the cute old man from work spoke to me..i was so happy..the day went well but i was really extremely tired.during lunch time i was eating all by myself when an indian lady came and approached me and asked me to sit with her and her collegues.i didnt know what to say to them as they were mostly elderly people and they were talking abt annamalai,kumkumum,indra etc which i dont watch so i was practically bored..gobbled up my food and fled:D

certain personal things had happened for the past few days.feeling quite upset abt it.just too numb to think of anything right now..i need a break..totally...