Baby blues

This picture is my current wallpaper at home and yesterday it triggered the following conversation between me and my youngest brother..

Bro: i have a small request from you..
Me: What?
Bro: Can you please remove that horrible baby photo from your desktop?
Me: Why?
Bro: Because the baby has a blob of saliva trickling from the corners of it's mouth and that's disgusting.
Me: Your head, that's so cute.
Bro: Cute? How can you ever call that cute?
Me: Well young man, welcome to the women's world. We think stuff like that is cute.
Bro: Yuck..women are weird. I got another request from you.
Me: What now?
Bro: Later when i have a nephew or a niece, please don't let them run around with saliva like that.
Me: Sure wont. Will take it and put it in your mouth..=)
Bro: Yucks! =)

Perceptions

I read an article a few days back in The Star about indian youths from estates migrating to the city, caught in the tangle and get involved in crimes. Why? Because of their appearance, because the society didnt accept them, their parents are used to find faults with them, the economy offers them no employment and for the employed, there is no room for promotion. Frustration builts up, they get involved, get caught and then the society just pushes them apart.

I felt like i was being slapped in the face when i read that article because just earlier in the morning prior to reading that article, on the way to work, i saw a bunch of indian guys gathering near a shop and i was asking myself, what on earth are they doing there and there was already a bad perception in my mind.

I had also turned my face away whenever i saw an guy with long hair, untidy apperance and unruly attitude all these while. I wonder out aloud now, what would have my behavior signalled to them? That they are so terrible that even a girl wouldn't want to look at them? Was it their fault that they had come from such a background?

i had a friend who used to tell me that ever since he was in school, he and his friends always had a different treatment right from the teachers, from employers, from other girls. when i heard him describe it, i almost cried. he now holds an university degree together with his friends and leads a decent life.

These are a number of people who managed to shun the perception surrounding their apperance but what about the rest, how many had given in to the perception, succumbed to low self esteem, withdrawn and spent the life feeling like an outcast?

Time has arrived for us to stop making perceptions from looks, color, appearance, and background. Embrace everyone with love and somehow a tiny acceptance can give a huge difference in an individual's life without you realising it. I'm going to change today. How about you?

Disneyyyyyy on iceeeeeeeee

Care to sponsor my ticket? ;-)

Not my bf, not my family

I wonder if things would ever be the same again...

A single costly mistake that severed all ties...

She's making everyone pay for her selfishness...

Now a relationship built almost 22 years ago is gone...

He talks to me like i'm a stranger when i had been so close, so close, so close all these years...

I wonder if i could ever fix it...

And i'm afraid if i don't do something, when he is gone, i would never be able to forgive myself...

Why..why was she so selfish? Dammit!

Proton fiesta

The new Waja replacement model

The new Wira replacement model

The new Tiara replacement model

Unfortunately i forgot to save the Satria replacement model..that's a two door car with retractable hood..kinda cool..

Proton can come up with really superb designs but if only their quality is as good as their design..sigh! My eyes are on the Wira..awesome..!

Canny Ong

I noticed with utter disgust the way the press handled Canny Ong's rapist's judgement day yesterday.

His picture was displayed in the front page of THE STAR, and with a whole page dedicated about his profile. Who cares if he has two kids? Who cares if he behaved well at his work place? Who cares if he has a loving wife? Who cares? Seriously...

The whole episode was as if he was sentenced for something he didn't commit when in the first place, he confessed on doing such a henieous crime.

"I take it as a test of patience" Those were his sentences. Test of patience, my foot! You are a rapist cum murderer. This is what you get for your doings. This is no test of patience, u bastard. You are a bloody cold-hearted being. You dont need a test of patience. You dont even have a heart in the first place. In fact, i feel your so called "test" of patience is too light for the extent of your crime.

And i also read with aghast on what his friends and collegues have said about him. "He was such a nice person". In that case, Botak Chin was "such a nice person", Kalimuthu was "such a nice person",and the Malay lady(witch-doctor) who mutiliated a "Datuk" eons back (i forgot her name)was such a nice person too..shall we free and worship them?

Seriously..what is happening to their senses? Utter fools..I wonder, if someone close to you was kidnapped, raped, murdered, the corpse burnt and left to rot, would you still say the same about the person who did it even though he WAS "such a nice person" before?

The whole drama was as if Canny asked for it and the rapist was just an innocent little baby who didnt know what he was doing. If this is the way the press is going to handle rape cases, portraying the rapist as an innocent hero who's going to be hanged for a wrong crime, then im pretty sure there are many more new offenders who would come up and if the next victim is their (the friends and the press members)loved one, let's see what they have to say then..

I pray..May Canny rest in peace and hope her family have a speedy recovery..

And so on and so forth...bla bla..

Im so bloody tired..

Bloody bloody tired..

Had to work extra 2 hours to finish one stupid assignment. Drove back. Caught in the traffic. Reached home at 8pm. My legs hurt! My brain hurts! My hands hurt!

On top of that, i have to work halfday on Saturday and boss asked me to come back on Sunday to finish up some extra work supposed to be done by some outsourcing company. Ah..manipulation of fresh graduates..No weekends for me la....pochi!

To add to the pain, James called my office again..

"Hi..nowadays you are not going back home early, why ah? 5pm ready, go back la"
"Hmmm..."
"Why la, you sound one kind?"
"Nothing"
"Got work ah?"
"Yes"
"Ok,i'll call you some other time. Take care ok? Bye"
"Bye"

And next time someone cuts into my lane, or turns without a signal, or impatiently blares the horn, i'm gonna reach out from my car and wring their necks, seriously...

Good news 1:..i have been ranked one of the top mail senders in my company..record..250 mails in 2 hours..not bad ah...mostly sent to my stupid MMU frenz's(he he he)in the new spamming society we established..but the top is someone with 1000 mails in 2 hrs..whoa...!

Good news 2: I couldnt stand working today so went to the toilet to play snake game in my hp..managed to get top score 1500..whoa...!

I'm the best..!

*hitting my head on the wall*

he he..

Inspiration...

An excerpt from a song i kept listening for the past two days...

"I used to think that i had nothing more but a pocketful of broken dreams and then you opened my eyes and i beleived..Inside i had everything..

You are my inspiration when all my faith was gone, you knew my destination, i kept on holding strong...

This world could sometimes make me cry and steal away my heart, but all i had to do was close my eyes, i could feel your love...

You are my inspiration when all my faith was gone, you knew my destination, i kept on holding strong...

When the night is cold, and the journey is long, you are my inspiration..."

Beautiful =)

Gone la..

I was carefully avoiding the core parts of JSP and Tomcat for 3 months at work UNTIL last week when my boss happily came and told me...Subaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...read about JSP,Struts and Servlets, Java 2 Enterprise Edition (J2EE) and update yourself in two days. I'll give u your first core JSP assignment next week Tuesday and i want you to finish it in one week..

ARGGGGHH!!

*seeing stars all around *

In total bliss

Last Saturday and Sunday was a blissful experience for me. I met a man whom i can say 'the happiest man i have ever met in my entire life'. Just one look at him, i was drawn and intrigued to know him, to embrace him and to keep looking at him. And as he sang a simple yet beautiful song in gratitude to the happiness and to the person who had shown him the path to such a happiness, it touched my heart with sound profound gentleness that my eyes were moist with tears, rejoicing in his contentment.

He showed me the answer to what i have always been looking for. I known the path now. The journey is entirely mine to take. I feel truly blessed, so truly blessed. Thank you, thank you and thank you. I'm so filled with gratitude, i can't express it with mere words..

" That which you are looking for, has always been inside of you "

PHEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Phew Phew Phew..And im saying that for a number of reasons..

First reason:He was discharged today morning..And i'm so glad..glad beyond description.

Second reason:I went to visit him at the hospital yesterday and that was my first encounter with his family. Luckily Nalin was there to ease the tension. And beleive me, i enjoyed myself being in their company. It was like we had known each other for a long time. Even the dad whom i had always been scared of was pretty jovial and was teasing me and nalin. I 'kena kutuk' most of the time especially about my driving skills.Cis, major embarassment :-) I miss them now..:-( and him too :-( And girls out there, beware..don't ever bring your best gal pal along when u visit your future in-laws. i made a big mistake by bringing Nalin, he he!. His mother actually called me while i was walking out and said, "Nalin very sweet ah.."..Grrr...but i guess we are even coz when i visited Nalin's future in-laws, his mother liked meeeeeeeeee..so Nalin..how about switching? hmmm??..he he!:-P Glad you came, girl..

Third reason:Since the hospital was in the island, i had to drive over the bridge the first time with Nalin as my guide. With the CNY mood, the bridge was packed and to add to the pain, there were two accidents on the same stretch..Done with that, we reached the island, took the wrong turning and reached some unidentified remote area and unable to stop anywhere or spot any familiar building, i just followed whichever car that caught my eyes..first was a kancil, next was a mercedes, followed by a wira and then i was completely, totally lost. he he! Then somehow managed to come back to the same route and Nalin, i guess i better just pen this down la..sorry to break the pact, we took the wrong route to make a 'U' turn and i had to take the longest 'U' turn in my life. Yep, the route took me straight back to the bridge, i had to go back to the mainland, U turn and come back to the toll, pay RM 7 again, face the traffic again and finally reached the island AGAIN and managed to get to the hospital..Phew!! and all the while, me and Nalin were laughing like two old fools in the car...adui! My leg hurts with all the clutch pressing.:-(

I had a great week..And now, it's back to work again tomorrow..and no more long stretch of holidays..until a few more months..sigh!

To everyone out there..advanced HAPPY VALENTINE's wishes!!

Worried..worried..worried..worried...

I'm trying to stop worrying but i couldn't. If only i know what's wrong with him, i might know what's the next step to take. Why is he in pain? I couldn't control the scary thoughts in my mind. It's driving me so crazy, im afraid i might just break into two...

God, please let him be ok..please...

Please...

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Dear God,please let him be ok.

Give all the ordeal,sadness,pain and illness in the world to me. I will endure it but please..please..please let him be ok.

Serenity?

I have been very clear headed for the past few days. I realised i was giving my fullest concentration in every single thing that i was doing. I had time to sort my thoughts. I had time to organise certain issues which were just floating without any care from me. I have never felt this calm before. It's really great. And yesterday, an important matter which i had always overlooked, and always took for granted, i gave it a chance to enter my life. That perhaps could give me an answer to the ultimate question of my heart. I always have a hard time controlling my mind but suprisingly this time, it's awfully quiet, probably taking a snooze in it's chambers..

I had a good time with Nalin today. This being the first time we went out together as 'working ladies' :-) I had a wonderful time in a way that well, only best friends would understand...and it's not just her, even with her family, the word 'shy' dissapears from my dictionary..

Now, im extremely worried about him. I pray and hope he will be okay. I cant say more. Im worried sick..

:-D

Yahoo!!! 4 days holiday!!!

Valentine's day is just around the corner..So what's the plan people? For those of you who are planning to get me a gift, i don't ask much..just a box of 'kalkande' (rock sugar) will do fine..i finished my old stock on the way to work today, he he!

:-( :-( :-(

Chaiks!

My Japanese Department Manager went around each table, giving us Red angpow last Friday. Seeing the size of the angpow, i was so excited but i knew something was wrong because all my collegues were just acting normal. I kept the angpow in my briefcase..and kept wondering in my heart how much money would it contain? Then when i couldnt hold on to the thoughts any longer, i took it to the toilet and opened it, expecting at least RM 50 inside..

Boy oh boy oh boy..oh boy..There was only 2 bucks inside..!!!!!!!
I cant describe the amount of my dissapointment...

Kadeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Ayiteeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn! :-)

A reason...A purpose...A meaning...

Leena suggested today that i need to get a hobby. I sat in my cubicle,staring at the words in the email for a while. Then i smiled to myself. For, i dont need a hobby. I need a reason. A reason for my existance.

Every now and then, I'm getting more and more frustrated in my life. At first, i thought it was because i was missing my friends and my sweetheart.I go about, making plans for meeting up etc. Then when i ask myself, is this what you really want, and my heart gives me silence for an answer.

I have begun to understand something very important right now. That which I'm looking for, i could not find it by doing activities to occupy myself.

It feels as if my life is right now a journey without a destination. Why do i live?Why am i breathing? Why was i born? And simple worldly answers like to change the future, to take care of your family, to enjoy etc doesnt seem to sate my quest for an answer.

Being grateful for this life is one thing. Imagine getting a gift which you have no idea how to use. How would u be grateful for that?

There are many nights when i say my prayers, i ask God to come and take me away. No, im not asking for death. Im asking for God, I want to see Him to ask him, why..why did u make me? why did u breathe life into me? Why did u put me on this earth?

Counting my blessings is another thing. I count my blessings each day and i thank God for each and every single bit of it. Buddha was blessed to be born a prince. There were many people suffering outside. Why didnt he count his blessings and keep himself locked in his castle? He didnt. He went on a quest to find the meaning of life and he found it. No, dont get me wrong.Im not trying to be Buddha. Im not trying to be a saint. Im not trying to be sanyasi. Im just a simple girl trying to find the meaning of my life.

Now i have started working. What's next? Fulfilling dreams. Building a future. Marriage. Kids. Grandkids. Then what? Death? Only that seems to be looming for sure.

I dont want to know about life after death. I dont want to know about heaven and hell. I want to know the reason for each and every single breath that i take. Until then, i just can't seem to live in peace.

Unwelcomed friend...

Remember i once said there was this guy who helped me with parking on the first day i brought my car to work. that was i think perhaps 3 weeks ago.

Well, last week he called my office during lunch time. Here's the
conversation:-

Man: Hi, can i speak to ---- pls?
Me : Yes, ---- here. who's on the line?
Man: It's me, James (Name has been changed for privacy).
Me : James?
Man: Yes, James.
Me : Huh? i dunno anyone named James.
Man: Really ar?
Me : yes, really i dont know.
Man: It's me lar. James.
Me : from?
Man: Your company staff la
Me : sorry, i really dont know who u are.
Man: So, how's ur parking?
Me : Oh, it's you. sorry, i didnt know ur name is James.
Man: Oooo..so didnt go for lunch?
Me : (in complete bewilderment, wondering why on earth he is calling me) I ate
already.
Man: oh ic ic, I used to go canteen last time but now no more. The food is terrible.
Me : Oh ok (irrelevant info)
Man: so where are u from?
Me : ha..------. Why?
Man: Simply la,asking. Anyway i know some things about you.
Me : what things?
Man: No, just your hometown, ur family etc.
Me : ic..where u got the info from?
Man: undisclosed information,ha ha..
Me : the guard is it?
Man: No la no la, got it from William (name has been changed) in your
department. i and he very close u see.
Me : ok
Man: so anyway, u must be wondering why i called u..simply la. that daywhen i saw u, i really wanted to talk to you. Was waiting for so long for an opportunity to talk to you.
Me : Ic
Man: anyway, im married. 2 kids. No hanky panky. (laughs).
Me : ok
Man: i really want to be friends with you.
Me : ok.
Man: i have some things to give you.
Me : ha. what things?
Man: calendar, diary etc.
Me : i already have all that.
Man: Never mind la, i'll come up and see you.
Me : no, it's ok.
Man: no, i'll come up now.

20 mins later, he came up with a small envelope. came near my cubicle and kept the envelope on my table.

Me : What is that?
Man: Diary la.
Me : oh..
(and i walked away to another section)
He went off

Called again

Man: Hi, why didnt u pick up the envelope?
Me : i'll pick it up later.
Man: ok, just dont let anyone see it. It's only given to company customers.I only had two. one im using. another one i wanted to give to someone special, and u r the best person to get it. use it for ur personal things.dont keep it in the office.
Me : ok, tq
Man: you are so tall la. Taller than me.
Me : ya..
Man: so when are u planning to get married?
Me : Ha?
Man: (*laughs)
Me : (quiet)
Man: ok then, bye
Me : Bye
(i hung up)

On the envelope, was this note, "Can we be friends?" his name and handphone num.

Went home,showed the stuff to dad. Dad said if he asks u what u did with
the diary, tell him i gave it to my dad :-)

Then, two days later, he drove his car near mine when i was taking it out from the parking lot and showed the 'call me' gesture in full view of other staffs there and went off. Some of the staffs were looking at me, as if i had some connection with him. I got so bloody pissed off, i didnt look into his direction at all.

And everytime if im in the parking lot the same time as him, he will ride his car slowly near mine, and sit and wait till i finish parking as if he is my parking guru checking on my progress..bluek! Twice or more, i smiled at him out of courtesy, and then i didnt even bother looking at his face after that. i guess he sensed it for he doesnt bother me much now except for the occasional horn when he drives near my car and i always avoid from bumping into him.

well, i dont know if he sincerely wants to be my friend but i have my doubts. besides, friendship doesnt form just by asking someone to be ur friend. it happens naturally. dad said, "now he says he is married. next thing u know, he will say he is going for a divorce and seek comfort from you." I have heard these kind of things from real victims.

i just cant digest the fact that some married men can behave this way. I dont see my father or my uncles hanging on the phone with young girls or even women their own age or asking girls to be their friends. why cant others behave the same way too. I can handle this guy. Just hope there wont be somemore.

i told this incident to my bf and guess what he said, cheh, he gave u a diary ah? next time, ask him la to give swatch watch ka, hi fi set ka..

Tak guna..=)

and when i was telling my dad, my parking is not so good, mum said, ask la James to teach you..

Cis.....=)

I scolded my small bro last night for losing my stuff. Feeling bad. Need to apologize when i return home.

Anyway, depressing matters aside..im writing this at lunch time and there is this cute,sweet chinese guy in my dept walking near my cubicle. He's so sweet looking and everytime he smiles at me,my heart melts.

He's coming near..

Nearer..

Turn man, turn..

He is turning..

Ahhh...a dimpled smile..

Melted.......................

Is this love?

he he =)

Im bound to get another kick again soon!