A reason...A purpose...A meaning...

Leena suggested today that i need to get a hobby. I sat in my cubicle,staring at the words in the email for a while. Then i smiled to myself. For, i dont need a hobby. I need a reason. A reason for my existance.

Every now and then, I'm getting more and more frustrated in my life. At first, i thought it was because i was missing my friends and my sweetheart.I go about, making plans for meeting up etc. Then when i ask myself, is this what you really want, and my heart gives me silence for an answer.

I have begun to understand something very important right now. That which I'm looking for, i could not find it by doing activities to occupy myself.

It feels as if my life is right now a journey without a destination. Why do i live?Why am i breathing? Why was i born? And simple worldly answers like to change the future, to take care of your family, to enjoy etc doesnt seem to sate my quest for an answer.

Being grateful for this life is one thing. Imagine getting a gift which you have no idea how to use. How would u be grateful for that?

There are many nights when i say my prayers, i ask God to come and take me away. No, im not asking for death. Im asking for God, I want to see Him to ask him, why..why did u make me? why did u breathe life into me? Why did u put me on this earth?

Counting my blessings is another thing. I count my blessings each day and i thank God for each and every single bit of it. Buddha was blessed to be born a prince. There were many people suffering outside. Why didnt he count his blessings and keep himself locked in his castle? He didnt. He went on a quest to find the meaning of life and he found it. No, dont get me wrong.Im not trying to be Buddha. Im not trying to be a saint. Im not trying to be sanyasi. Im just a simple girl trying to find the meaning of my life.

Now i have started working. What's next? Fulfilling dreams. Building a future. Marriage. Kids. Grandkids. Then what? Death? Only that seems to be looming for sure.

I dont want to know about life after death. I dont want to know about heaven and hell. I want to know the reason for each and every single breath that i take. Until then, i just can't seem to live in peace.