Annoyed with myself

Strained...Strained...Strained...Strained
I feel like a bag of rotten tea leaves in an old strainer

Drained...Drained...Drained...Drained
I feel like a rubbish next to the drain

Arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Im filled with dread and regret,
Im filled with just so many things i can't confess

Waiting to snap...just waiting to snap....

Stupid poem :)

The unemployed went shopping yesterday,
Off to penang, in little india, oh what a day,
Walked up and down the gay streets,
Punjabis and kurtas, lengas, sarees oh sweets!

The unemployed's head went spinning,
Faster choose, mum was fuming,
The unemployed was floating,
The shopkeeper said she looked like Sneha, standing.

The unemployed had lunch in Anantha Bhavan,
Out came who else, Mr Navin Vasdave,
The unemployed continued shopping,
3pm to 10 pm, still on the streets.

Not a single cent in the wallet,
Not a single job in waiting,
But two punjabi suits and one saree on hand,
Jolly Golly Gilly Diwali!

Ahh...the unemployed went shopping yesterday!

Red Blooded Woman

Can't stop, Count backwards 5 4 3 2 1, Before you get too heated and turned on (This guy), You should have learned your lessons all them times before, You've been bruised, you've been broken, Then there's my mind saying think before you go, Through that door it could lead you nowhere (This guy), Has got you all romantic, crazy in your head, Do you think I'd listen, no I don't care, Ocause I can't focus I can't stop, You got me spinning round, round, round, round (Like a record), I can't focus it's too hot (Inside), You'll never get to Heaven if you're scared of getting high, Boy, boy, Let me keep freaking around, I wanna get down, I'm a red blooded woman, what's the point in hanging round, Don't wanna keep turning it down, When this girl wants to rock with you, My conscience saying, get down off this dream, It's too dangerous and deadly, Has got you talking round in circles can't you see, All for the sake of sexy (You're loving it), Then there's my sense saying stop before you fall, I don't wanna pick you up again, Has got you all romantic, crazier each day, Do you think I'd listen, There's no way.


KYLIE MINOGUE

The mute angel

The bronze statue of an angel stood in the center of the cemetery. The wings spread wide, embracing the world. A beautiful smile, placid eyes, clasped worshipping hands. Wholly serene. The surrounding, a blunt contrast to the utter tranquility.

For years, it watched death. For every greeting, it wept inside. For every wet, lone eyes searching for hope and comfort, it smiled tenderly, a gentle reminder, never to lose faith.

Memories were painted, with hues of sadness. A weeping man, who lost his wife. Resting at the foot, poured out his anguish, returning home the next day with renewed belief. A mother, who lost a child, wailed, unable to find a soul who understands her pain. The angel was there, listening, consoling without a word, yet soothing for the grief-stricken heart.

But alas, there was no one for it to turn to. The burden it carried, suffering in hushed silence for years. When it cracked, no one mended. It carried on, listening and loving every single soul, wishing it could remove the melancholy all locked up inside.

It collapsed one day, a complete ruin. The seeking found no consolation.

But the loss lingered, untouched. The ruin remained, wasted, nurturing a wounded heart.

It’s a heartless world.

Toilet tales

Idle. That’s one way to describe me. Lazy? Nah! Don’t think so, he he!

They say an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. In my case, it’s back-to-the-future practicum. Confused? Don’t be. Here’s why.

I had nothing to do today, apart from the usual job applications, updating resume, blah blah blah bleakch..You know the story.

So I took a jog down the memory lane (yeah, a jog, not a walk, it’s time to cut the cholesterol, people!) The most significant memory was about my high school toilet.

Whoa..a toilet?

Yeah, that’s right. My greatest school toilet, which smells like the autumn moon flower… yeah right! (more like bunga taik ayam!) I don’t know what bunga taik ayam is called in English, but direct translation? The chicken shit flower! He he!

This toilet was the usual hangout place during short breaks, during the change of classes. You can check out girls combing their hairs, putting powder, makeup etc etc etc. Even Cindy Crawford won’t stand a chance against the likes of Naomi Campbell in my school.
And the brand? Revlon la, Avon la, this la, that la. And I was just stuck with Carrie Junior (powder for kids) that time. Cheh! Major insult!

And like all toilets, the walls were dedicated to the budding Shakespeares’ of my school. Those were the times when people had no idea what SMS is so they used TMS, Toilet Message System :P. All the intricate poems, written with care, complete with illustrations, and heartfelt love messages. *sob sob* (fake tears) and if you wanna know how famous you are, just peak into the toilet. If your name is written somewhere in the moss coated walls, you are one of the legendary hunks of the school. If not, chances are you are a big time Toilet Idol reject!

Coming to think of that, apart from the love wall in the toilet, (I’m kind of sure the guys’ walls were dedicated to soft porn :P), most of my school’s greatest love epics began at the toilet. Yeah, I know, that’s sad but at least my schools’ paparazzi had no problem in locating their perspective victims. All you have to do is just stand at the entrance of the toilet and watch which guy is talking to which girl. The verdict, that particular pair will be a couple and most of the time, the hypothesis never goes wrong. The thing is, this particular toilet was built during the Japanese occupation. It’s white washed, made out of wood, looks more like a wooden house than a toilet, is surrounded by a flower garden, secluded and best of all, STINKS LIKE HELL! I just don’t understand how it became a popular dating spot during school hours.

And worse of the lot, there is this teacher (Oh My God) who worships the toilet like a shrine. I’m not exaggerating. He introduced this rule that no one can enter the toilet without taking off the shoes and use the ugly flip flops provided at the entrance. And yours truly had many times defied the law and entered the so called place of pilgrimage with shoes on. Once I got caught, by the teacher.

“Oi, mana selipar?” (Oi, where are your slippers?)

“Err…Tak tau, Cikgu” (Dunno sir)

“Pi sapu tandas” (Go sweep the toilet)

“Ha?”

“Ya, pakai kasut, denda sapu tandas” (Yes, you wear shoes, the punishment, sweep the toilet”

And yes, I had to sweep the toilet but lucky that was nothing compared to four other girls who came in after me. They had to wash the toilet, scrub the floors by all fours, with water and all. Yikes! (Child labour! Wish I had known this earlier, would have taken this to the court! *damn angry*)

I must confess, I do frequent the toilet. Not that I love it, but I just had to, coz I used to gulp water like a thirsty camel. Once, right after my great outing to the toilet, my class teacher asked:

“Hey, pi mana tu?” (Hey, where did you go?)

“Pi toilet, cikgu” (I went to the toilet, teacher)

“Pasai apa suka sangat pi toilet ni?” (Why you love to go the toilet so often?)

“Suka, Cikgu. Wangiiiii!” (I love it, teacher. It smells wonderfulllll!)

And the whole class started laughing. I laughed too, like a fool :P

That’s when they started building new building with hi-tech toilets in the school and the flock changed direction. The old toilet was ignored but I still remember once, when I passed by the old toilet, that old teacher was carrying a broom to sweep it. God knows what weird connection he had with that toilet. Last I heard, he has retired. I wonder how the toilet is now.

Sigh!

A visitor

This was written for a reason. I just can't seem to find a right title for it. There is fear in my heart. I can only express it this way.
-----------------------------------------------

The air was still. She lay motionless, afraid to move. She was alone in the room but she knew something was watching her.

All was quiet. The slow tick of the clock by her bed made her restless. It was as if her time was up.

A sharp rustle from the corner of the dark room startled her. She snapped to attention and a sinister shadow caught the corner of her eyes.

“Who’s there?”, she asked audaciously but the blunt tremble in her voice betrayed her. No one answered.

The silence was eerie.

She closed her eyes. A horrible stench wreaked the room. She could feel an acrid breath on her neck. She opened her eyes. It was staring at her.

Pure evil.

It was something beyond grave. The menacing powerful gaze almost made her lose her mind. She screamed but no one heard her. She wanted to run but she was pinned to the bed. The creature snarled. It was powerful, she knew.

A sudden push and she grabbed the holy amulet given by her priest under her bed. The creature crackled in glee but when she plunged the sharp edge of the amulet into it, the smile was replaced with a look of pure hatred. Blood spurted out but there was no pain. It snarled. From the rotting face, appeared long disgusting scars but it continued crackling as if it was enjoying it and suddenly without a warning, it slapped her right across her face, her cheeks torn to shreds. The pain imminent.

It tore open her clothes and probed hard into her, the lewd tongue enjoying every inch of her. There was no pleasure. She shrieked and screamed. She pleaded for mercy. It continued to tear her dignity apart. The fingers were inside of her. She felt it burn. Inside, her skin ripped. Blood flowed without mercy. A sharp thrust. Her humiliation knew no bounds. It snickered in satisfaction.

Abruptly, the fingers plunged deep into her skin and drew two long scars on her weak, disgraced body. She had no strength to scream. Her vision blurred.

In her hazy mind, she saw the white tombstone. In the abandoned grave, overgrown with poison ivy, a drop of scarlet blood turned into a crimson rose. The beauty shone despite the surrounding viciousness. The chant continued, unnatural. Then she saw the torn rag doll on the fresh soil of the unmarked grave. She understood.

She was paying for her sins.

The creature’s neck twisted. The head twirled and the neck snapped backwards. It convulsed. Vomit splashed her face. The rancid stench reminded her of her past. It blazed.

She closed her eyes and willed herself to die but death never came.

And in hell, the feast began…

Pause

yahoo..off to KL tomorrow...he he he! MMU, here i come!

Auntie Masala

It tickles my funny bone every time I think about my ever-scheming aunties. Just a few months back, right after I started my training, barely out of university, in a wedding, one of my aunties approached me.

“So, finished your studies, huh? What’s next?”

“Gotta find a job; get a house and then a car.”

“A car ok, but then, no need to get a house la”

“Huh? Why not?”

“That one your hubby can buy wan” (yeah, sure. If I marry a 50 year old Datuk, that is)

“Got any boyfriend ah?” (Damn, I knew it was going to lead to this.)

“Nope”

“Aiks, sure or not? Sure got wan” (Yup, I’m not sure if I got a bf or not, what kind of a stupid question is this?)

“Dun have lar, Auntie”

“Find one Punjabi guy lar” (Yes, I heard Punjabi guys grow on trees, I will pluck one when I spot the tree next time *eyes rolling*)

“Duwan lar, Auntie. I prefer dark, tamil speaking Indian guys”

“Gasp! (Mouth wide open like a fresh fish out of the water) Why dark? Why tamil?” (Like I just committed the most sinful thing of the century)

“Well, for one thing, I prefer to converse with my hubby in my native language and for another, I think dark guys are sexxxyyyyyyy!” (the latter part omitted from the real conversation of course*wink wink*)

“Anyway, I know this Punjabi guy who….”

(I interrupted in mid-sentence)

“Aiyo, I duwan to think about marriage all now lar, Auntie”

“How old are you now?”

“22”

“22???!!! When I was your age, I already had a kid” (Wow, what an achievement!)

“Later la, Auntie”

“When are you planning to get married?”

“27”

“27??!!! Soooooooooo old. That time sure no mapillai(groom) want you”

“Never mind lar, Auntie. I’m pretty sure your husband will still be available by then. He’s dark. Definitely my taste!” (I have no idea how I had the cheek to say this, but I said it, no kidding, while coyly looking at her husband who was standing nearby, oblivious to the conversation going on)

I flashed my most endearing wicked smile. She turned, gave me a dirty look and a word no more. He he!

I guess most of my Aunties’ mission in life is to bug me so much until I have to refrain myself from saying something impious in reply. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m always the victim. Probably because I’m not sarcastic enough. Wait till one of them catch hold of this blog. They will happily dip their pens in blood to compose my obituary the next day.

By then, I would be halfway through to Mexico. Hehehohoho (evil plotting laugh; ardent fans of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, I’m sure you know what I mean)

Wail of an IT graduate

‘It’s a bird”

“It’s a plane”

“No, no, it’s Me”

Yeah yeah, I’m back. Without much enthusiasm, that is. Why? What do you expect? Staying jobless at home. It’s barely one week and I’m bored to death. When I was working, I wished I was at home, now I’m home, I wish I’m working. Ungrateful creature, you might say but hey, it’s human nature. Never be satisfied with what you have. I’m just living up to it, normal human standard, he he!

Not enough with that, every time I see people I know, especially my relatives, here’s the typical greeting:-

“Hi aunty”

“Hi. Got a job ready ah?”

Grrrrrrrrrrr!

What the hell? It’s scarcely one week and you guys want me to start working? You think they serve jobs right under my nose? I need to apply, I need to attend interviews, you know? Anyway, it’s not like you are feeding me. Heck, even my parents never bother me with jobs. You are really concerned? Oh, how sweet! Then make yourself useful and find a job for me.

Then comes another notion.

“Nowadays graduates very hard to find jobs, ya know?”

And another butt head will second that.

“Yeah, especially IT graduates”

I’m gonna shoot the next person who says that to me. I mean it!

It’s not like I never got a job. The first interview for helpdesk analyst, they asked me if I could start straight away and I couldn’t. I had to complete my training. The second, software developer. The first interview went well. They even called me for a second interview but I declined. The place was way too far. The third was a disaster. I applied something else, they gave me something else unrelated to my field. The following are some of the sentences said to me by the interviewer:-

“We are interviewing you for the post of test engineer (I applied for planner). “

“In your resume, you have stated that you are a software engineering graduate”

“You sure you want this job?”

“This job has nothing to with IT, you sure you want it?”

“Can you stand pressure?”

“You sure?”

“Sometimes I sleep in the factory, you know. So you think you can be able to handle that kind of pressure?”

“If I give you IT job and another is Test engineer job, which would you choose?”

“I’m asking you all this because you don’t have engineering background. I don’t want you to waste your time and we don’t want to waste our time. I’m not very sure if you can handle all the work in engineering department”. (How sweet! In that case, why did you call me for interview in the first place? I have stated clearly in my resume that I’m an IT graduate you know)

“You are a fresh graduate, so I’m not sure if you can handle the pressure.” (if you are not sure, then why the heck did you call me?)

“So, do you know what a printer port is?” (damn! I’m an IT grad! I’m an IT grad! If I don’t know what a printer port is, you might as well shoot me)

“What does a transistor do?”

“You sure you want this job?” (again!)

“You think you can handle this?” (again and again!)

He grilled me like this for about one and a half hours until I felt like dumping all my certificates on his head and tell him, I don’t want your damned job. You can keep it, for all I care. I’m not desperate.

Finally he said ,”I don’t know what to say. I have to ask my boss. We will contact you” (yeah, right!)

One of the Indian personnel there told me that the guy who was supposed to interview me was in a meeting (the boss of the interviewer). He said, if that guy had interviewed me, my chances would have been bright.

Heck, I don’t want the job. Nothing related to my field. Besides, electric, electronics and circuits had never been my cup of tea.

Bill Gates, when are you ever going to discover meeeeeee?

The poison in my mind

'This was written at 2 am today. it elucidates the state of my mind'

One look into the mirror and she snarled back at me. I forced myself to look away but a sharp sting on my face strained me to face the image again. I saw her licking the blood on my face with glee, drinking in every inch of my insufferable twinge.

I threw my fists into the air and the glass shredded into pieces. She screamed, her splitting reflection everywhere, surrounding me. The sound far worse than a tortured lunatic lost in the woods.

A thud. A light. A hope. I ran. Dissapointment. It was an endless maze. I turned around. She was there. Nearer. Nearer. She spitted on my face. It burnt like the fires of hell. I shrieked like a wounded hound. She snickered in disgust. Nearer. The eyes told me stories I don’t want to hear. I turned and again another sting on my face. My limbs went limp. I could not move.

I cried and begged for forgiveness. She crackled in complete madness. I realized there was no escape. She came closer. They all came nearer. And then…everything inside of me just snapped. A sickening gurgle. A cold stare.

I’m now possessed by the phantom of my past.

Dammit!

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i can't take it anymore. When i'm there, you were here. now im back and you are there. what kind of sick joke is this? i miss you and i miss you like crazy. This is so unfair. When is God going to stop this silly game?

and yesterday, you were so near but yet so far. Such torture. So many rules. I can't stand it and I can't cry anymore.

I know. you left for the future and i shall wait patiently for your return. Patience...patience...patience...

It's wearing thin. I really can't take it anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I miss youuuuuuuuuu! :(:(

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Turning point

i became blissfully and at the same time, remorsefully aware that from this point onwards, i am going to embark on the journey of my life as an individual, as a woman, a complete person of my own. I'm no longer wrapped up in the protective cocoon of my university and the status of a student. Let's see what God has in store for me from now..

And it all came to an end

Funny. I never expected to be in this state. Disoriented. Lost. Sad. Extremely sad. Indefinably. The sharp tug in my heart finally snapped today.

My training ended today. I guess I will never go back again but when I said goodbye today, it hurt real bad. Four months. Strangers became friends. Nervousness turned to comfort. Time passed. I was enjoying it. It wasn’t an idle period. Everything was flowing as a normal routine and without realizing, I was falling into it. I became attached to people working with me. It became a daily life. Those were people I meet everyday. A simple smile made my day bright. A greeting. A bond was made. Without a warning, it crashed today.

I am going to miss them. Every one of them, position or no position. When one of them cried today, I felt like a complete fool. I’m feeling terrible inside. I didn’t want to leave them and go but what can I do? Even if they want me to stay, I can’t. I’m sorry. This guilt is killing me.

‘I will never forget you for the rest of my life’ came from another person. I won’t forget you for the rest of my life too. Why did you all become so close to me? Now the cord is cut. Sadness is eating me up from inside.

People I never really was close or thought about were so kind to me especially during the last few weeks. Even helped me with my future with all their extremely useful tips. All the lunch outings. The last day came. The lavish gifts. The beautiful thoughts. The wonderful messages. The pure love. The hugs. The kisses. The tears. A simple handshake. Those sincere sad faces.

As an Indian, I made a point there. I got the respect that I wanted from the managers when one of them told me a few days back, ‘Thank you. Because you helped us, we are helping you’ but I never intended for the affection to flow from the rest of them. I got it too and now it’s so painful to say goodbye.

Thank you Renesas. The experience was more that I expected. When I left today, I went without a piece of my heart. The beginning met the end but it was more that what I bargained for. Sadness is tearing me up. I’m seriously crushed. Nothing left to say.

The time has come for me to move on..

"This is specially for you, Aunty. Please don't cry. Please really don't cry. I can't take it when i saw your tears today. I know when i leave there is no one to comfort you. The thought of leaving you alone itself is already making me feel like a miserable creep. Aunty, I love you and i'm not going to go anywhere. even if i am at the end of the world, i will still think of you and if you need me, i will abandon everything and come for you. You offered me your motherly love. What more can i ask from God? Take care."

Tricks?

remember i said two months ago, i wish they will give me polyphonic phone when i leave? well, my wish came true. Almost. i got a CITIZEN alarm clock shaped like a handphone. I almost burst out laughing when i saw it. But it is cool. I love it. Cosmic joker, you sure are funny!:)