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Weekend!

The weekend seemed to have just flown by like a breeze. Nah, not a breeze. More like a hurricane speed.

Thursday, after work,i went over to Nalin's place for tea.

Saturday,after work, i went over to my future in-laws place. :D :D :D i had a super duper great time especially coz my ahem ahem came down from KL. Sunday, went over to SP with theven. It was such a sweet moment, those two days. I forgot all my worries.

Just finished washing my car. it's gleaming like polished crystal =) =) =) Why so semangat? well, for once, my bf who loves to kutuk me all the time actually said i keep the car well, so thus the extra cleaning session..=)

Anyway, while washing the car, i saw my neighbour's 10 years old son blowing a flying kiss to another neighbour's 7 years old daughter. I asked him, "Aiiii, flying kiss ellam kudekere?"(Aiii,,giving flying kiss all?) and he gave a shy smile and said, well, she gave me one, so im giving her back..

Kids nowadays...

=)

More from Kabir

thirst
is the chauffeur

God sent
to bring us to his party

Master knows
the dress code

if you want to go
get dressed.

find
the living Master

and light your candle
at his flame

stay
near him

and darkness
will never come near.

if heaven
is important to you

find it now
while you are alive

what will you do
with heaven

after death has cut you
in half?

-KABIR-

Tug-of-war

in the tug of war

between head
and heart

the world pulls one way
and life the other

when my Master entered the game
i became the winner..

-KABIR-

My master.

Somehow someway i have managed to forgive everyone who had hurt my feelings.
It was because of that song that i listened. It made me feel there is no use going on,getting hurt with what people do to me, getting hurt when my expectations are not fulfilled, getting hurt when i'm ignored, getting hurt when the whole world seems to turn it's back on me,getting hurt when people i love too much don't seem to care so much like before. There is no use going on, getting hurt and hurting others in the process for as long as i live, i don't wish to hurt a single soul. There are times when i forget who i really am and yearn too much for affection from my loved ones and get hurt when i don't get enough. There are times when I wished I was dead for others to start missing me…

How foolish it is to base this life on others. How foolish it is to live in utter ignorance. My mind can be my greatest weapon or it could be my ultimate doom. I don’t want to sit and cry upon what others did to me. I was not born to cry. Self-pity would just be my deepest enemy.

Someone who had never let me down all these while..my master, reminded me who I truly am. His songs are making me cry, but not in sorrow, but in complete thirst, to forget about everything else. To be happy again, with a most simplistic happiness of a child.

Never felt this calm before. I surrender. I would love those around me without even expecting a drop of love back because I have the ultimate love from my master who had never let me down all these while…

Why was I so foolish, not to realize this before? God created sorrow coz that’s the only time we would remember him. I tried looking for it outside only to realize when my search futile, that it was with me all the while.

These are not words from a depressed woman. I have never been so clear before..in my entire life..

I no longer hate the world coz I no longer expect anything from it. I have all I want inside of me…I have only my love to offer to everyone else..

As for my loved ones, my love for you will always grow deeper no matter what happens..And I have no expectations anymore..I shall accept everything that comes my way with open arms and a smiling heart.

p/s: This posting was not done with the intention of hurting anyone or to ask for pity..This is true my inner feelings..

Quotes

A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and
honest people are screwed first."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. It
will destroy you."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no
friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why
am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful.
Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these
questions, go ahead."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"The world's biggest power is the youth and beauty of a woman."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"Once you start a working on something, do! n't be afraid of failure and
don't abandon it. People who work sincerely are the happiest."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind.
But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"God is not present in idols. Your feelings are your god. The soul is
your temple."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"A man is great by deeds, not by birth."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"Never make friends with people who are ! above or below you in status.
Such friendships will never give you any happiness."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next
five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like
a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a
blind person."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

"Education is the best friend. An educated person is respected
everywhere. Education beats the beauty and the youth."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC! -275 BC)


"Success requires first expending ten units of effort to produce one
unit of results.
Your momentum will then produce ten units of results with each unit of
effort."

Darn..

Im very confused la..very upset, confused..i just keep wishing the earth will split open and swallow me up..

I'm trapped and i have nowhere to go and i don't know what i did to deserve to be caged in the first place...

And all the people i need the most dont seem to be there anymore...

Dream

A simple age old dream comes to me everytime i close my eyes...

A smiling girl. A loving man. The need to be always with each other, to look deep into each other's eyes and keep falling in love again and again..

To find solace in a tight embrace. To gain strength from each other's warmth. To be unable to breathe without each other. To die being in love. The world can wait.

But i was such a fool. It was just a dream...

Question mark

Work is driving me crazy.

It's not just the load, im finding myself sitting and correcting the petty mistakes made by others over and over again.

The guy in charge seems to find contentment by embarassing all his team members in front of the boss.

I hate it. And i hate the environment. I find myself slouching deeper and deeper into my cubicle.

Nothing seems to fulfill my needs. I'm giving myself a month from now to decide to stay on and to resign.

I'm just bogged down with a question, would it be the same everywhere else?

I'm drowning further into a bewildered puzzlement...

All i need right now is a shoulder to rest my head and a big loving warm hug..

Beloved, may i stay

what is a human being
without a quest

our quest
is what drives us

it has brought us
this far

and it will take us
further

did God create
human beings

and give them
a mind

so he could hide behind it
and say find me

nobody has found God
without a living master

his help
is what makes it possible

you find
your thirst

and he will do
the rest

-KABIR-

Happy Tamil New Year Everyone!

Mid life crisis-a forward

Got this thru email..

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold,catty, mean or insincere,but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out

For women

When i was back in University, i used to dream about building a successful career, wearing a power suit, waltzing in life. They said study hard and later on you will be happy in life. I wont deny that studies is important, having a degree and im still working my ass off for someone i have never talked to, never known and making him richer and richer each day while tiring myself off. This isn't exactly what i thought i would be having.

That aside, i thought i will resign the moment my future husband strikes it rich. Then again, i changed my mind after some deep thinking. I really feel that every woman must have a career not matter what job is it, as long as you are earning something. Why? Well, imagine this. Your hubby works his ass off, comes home, you have done all the house work but he is still going to think it's nothing compared to the work he does at office. Next, whenever you want to buy something for yourself, you have to ask your hubby for money. How it is feel to do that for the rest of your live? Even if your husband doesn't mind, would you be able to spend it on yourself without guilt? It's like having someone else paying for your luxury. Yes, i know it's not someone else but your own husband and it's fine if he is a major millionaire but what if he is also a normal employee at an office? It would eventually drive him nuts to pay all your bills no matter how thrifty you are. Career gives a woman a sense of respect, not just from the husband but also from the community. With career, you still have something to rely on even if your marriage doesnt work out. With career, you still have a sense of independence. It doesn't matter if your work is bogging you down(and im not saying you should stick with it either), as long as it is there when nothing else works out. With career, your husband would not think of you as a burden, an extra mouth to feed. Instead, you will have a say in making decisions about finances and the way the household routine is done. Life would not just revolve around your own little home but it would take you to other places as well.

I'm kind of confused, i want a less frustrating career, i want to have a good marriage and i want to take care of my husband and children and my house myself..plus my current family..

At the same time,i want the luxury of sleeping till 12pm..damn! =)

Weird...

Funny how i have been having severe headache from the begining of this week till now which ends precisely the moment i reach home after work. No kidding. At work, i will be holding my head and massaging my forehead to calm the pain. Nothing works. I try to refrain from popping any types of pills, not even a simple paracetamol(panadol). Been taught since young that popping pills ain't the solution for anything.

The pain feels something like these..Like something sucking my brains out with a straw from the top, like a jolt of electricity being passed though my head continuously, like being banged with a giant boulder for some exotic ceremony, the list goes on and i'm not exagerating. My eyes hurt too, and i end up with two large black rings that makes me look like a retarded panda bear =) All i long for would be for a nice cool bed and i would be telling myself, u are going to sleep early today..

BUT, the weird thing is, it ends the moment i step into my house. and i find it hard to get to bed early. Like yesterday when Tyra Banks was too much an attraction compared to sleep (America's Next Top Model on 8TV).I seriously wonder why.

My story

Her thoughts were wild. The walls were caving in. No matter how hard she tried, there were no routes to kiss freedom outside. Her mind went beserk. The past was hunting her and the future held no hope.

She heard voices. She saw faces she couldnt recognize. They were telling
her something but she couldn't understand. They were calling her.Somewhere. Some place. But she doesn't want to follow. The faces were too pale, too lifeless. They were mourning. She knew. She doesn't want to mourn with them yet they never gave up. Everytime, every night, every day, they call out to her. They invade her dreams. She was begining to lose control. She was begining to soften her grip unwillingly.

The faces she knew were too far for her to reach. Those faces stared at her, like she didn't belong. She was an alien in her own land. She began to question everything but no one answered. No one bothered.. yet, those voices became stronger. They began to chant. It drove her crazy but she couldn't stop.

It was one of those nights when the chants began but this time, it was too intense. She couldn't resist. The force was too strong. Too powerful. It
was pulling her. It took her towards the chilling lake at the end of her village. She walked and walked without any hesitation. The lake that used to frighten her away seemed to be welcoming her. Her feet touched the murky waters. The chill reached her spine. With a jolt, she woke up.

It was too late. She was already dead. Yet, those voices never stopped calling. In her death, she never found peace. She never got her answers..

Write by,
The blogress(me la)
1 pm...cubicle-lunch time =)

------

Feeling kind of drained..extemely tired. Office was quiet today. I was having a terrible headache. Do i really need to go to work tomorrow? Sigh!

Note

In case you guys are wondering why my posts are so out of order, the alignment haywire and stuff...well,thats coz i have written these posts and mailed it to my email account from work..and copy and pasted it into the blog at home..and since the connection is too slow, and irritating, i havent got the mood to modify it properly..sorry..

Aiyo aiyo aiyo

They aired a boring song on hitz fm today so i tuned to thr raaga raaga raaga (duh!) and they aired my favourite song from the movie manmathan,(yes yes, i know, i hate the hero too =) )..so i kept the channel on and after the song, i was expecting the usual mee harini or litna advert but it came after that was even worse. it was supposed to be a special programme for elder citizens and the host was Geeta and guess how she was talking to the elderly callers?

'Wah, you can speak so clearly'
'Do u know how to sing?'

Even a child would get irritated being talked to like that..and by the way, the caller was 73 years old and she was cooing at him like he was 3 years old..come on la, they are elderly citizens, not kids who need to be treated with made up sugarly voices..i switched back to hitz fm IMMEDIATELY!

Acceptance

I have finally made peace with my current life. And it was all because
of
that fateful 5 days trip to KL last week that didn't quite turn out to
be
the way i wanted it to be. I have accepted the life im leading right
now.
Why? Because i finally realised that the life i was craving for does
not
exists..It was just a dream, just a fantasy.

I'm happy now. I no longer drag myself to do things. I am much
motivated
and focused on current things instead of thinking or wishing that i was
doing something else ...

Ms High and Mighty-my personal resentment

Dear Ms High and Mighty,

I know you have everything that you need in the world but you don't
have to
behave like a nasty piece of work all the time. First of all, get a few
lessons to get some class, elegance, and some good sense in your damned
head.

I know you are beautiful and guys lust after you but look closely into
the
mirror and u can see beneath all the layers of made-up beauty, the
ugliness
begin to pop out. You aren't exactly a ravishing beauty. I have seen
many
girls much better looking that you are, yet they are well mannered and
well
behaved. First of all, learn to respect others no matter how they look,
what's their skin color, what is their background, what's their job,
what
car they drive, where they work, how they speak, how they dress and who
they mingle with. Don't wrinkle up your face like a screwed up prune
when
you see someone who is not to your liking or taste. Next, learn to
speak
respectfully when you talk about someone or when you are referring to
someone.

You say you are matured. You say you are civilised. You say you are
cool. A
1 year old is more matured than you are. A cave woman is more civilised
than you are. A geek is cooler than you are.

Behave! Behave! Behave! Don't go around hurting others with your bitchy
words and ugly manners. You weren't exactly a babe at first. How did u
feel
that time? Small? Unnoticed? Precisely the point. Then don't make
others
feel the same too.

It doesn't help that you have gotten yourself an accomplice now. She's
just
another air-head like you. But here's a good news. She irks me more
than
you do. I wonder how you guys actually stand each other.

You know what homours me the most? The fact that you are probably
reading
this,thinking that im actually refering to someone else but it's
actually
you. Well, if you are feeling flushed now, then it's probably you.

Think of what i have to say. If you have enough brains, you will change
for
good. Or else, you are probably another dumb air-head.

Yours sincerely,
The blogress aka..
A small piece of cow dug that can make you stink no matter how
expensive
and branded your perfume is..

Updates from work and on the way to work =)

I'll start from on the way to work..

I have long given up on my darling school boy, but lucky for me i have
got
3 more guys as a replacement and guess what, they walk along the same
path,
only this time, their back faces me so i have to content myself by
glancing
at them thru my car mirrors..damn! And on top of that, one of them has
a
girlfriend (or so i think) coz i sometimes see him walking and talking
with
another school girl, i think the guys (all 3) go to college coz they
all
carry school bags but i have never seen them wearing uniforms.
Everytime i
see the 'couple', i so badly want to roll my window and ask, 'eppo
kalyanum'?(when is ur marriage?)but i stop myself short for im afraid
they
might throw stones at my car the next time i drive pass, he he!

After my 5 days 'vacation', i went back to work only to be greeted by
the
last person i ever wanted to see, James. The moment he saw me stepping
out
of my car, he stopped his car, rolled the window and asked,'so hard to
see
you nowadays'. I said i was on leave and he said oh and continued
looking
at my face for almost 1 minute with a smile..darn it..i feel
harrassed...

I reached my cubicle,which had been changed recently, and checked my
emails..and the first mail of the day was..."Finally la.someone is back
from 5 days of pure leave =) " from my collegue. I went down to the
pantry
to get a cup of milo and he was there.

"Unge kaadi ye partha pavuma ireke la" (I pity ur car)
"Why la"
"The paint of coming off, and some parts of the window is rusted"
"That's just a gimmick. The management might pity me and give me a pay
rise"
"Yeah right. Like that's gonna happen"
"Ok la, you sponsor me la. I buy a new car"
"Oh please..Where's ur other car, the new one?"
"I dont want to bring it to work, the road is full of potholes, and it
will
have to bake under the hot sun at the factory. By the way, how do u
know
about my new car? i hardly take it to work unless i have
overtime..(thats
when i could get a place in the limited shade)"
"Payyenenge ethetha vitte vecherekanenge.." (Guys never leave any
matter
unturned)

....Hmmmm.....

Utter irritation

So...updates..updates and more updates..

Well, been off the net for a pretty long time i guess...Didnt have the
time
nor the interest in looking at any type of flat screen...instead was
busy
burying myself with books..Went to KL, it was supposed to be a kind of
a
vacation, a big break after 4 weeks on non-stop work..but it didn't
turn
out to be the way i wanted to be..I was upset and kept on wishing i was
back home. Don't ask me why.

Anyway, that aside, like i said in my earlier post, it was a good
lesson. I
should stop complaining and take it all in my stride. This is my life
and i
shouldn't go craving for another one that doesnt exist.

Okay, sorrows aside, here comes irritation. I was in KL, i met a guy
who
immediately started making idiotic jokes about my hometown as soon as
he
learnt where i was from. I barely knew him for 5 minutes when he
said..people from your place dont have a life.

I have swallowed this dumb joke for years now, and i could accept it if
my
close friends make fun of it, then it wont be such a big deal. But a
complete stranger?

First of all, who are you do decide whether a person has a life or
not...so
if we don't have a life, then what are we? walking zombies? Cool...

What do u mean by we don't have a life? Does life in this case mean
hanging
out in big mega malls, cineplexes, pubs,24 hr shops? Yes, i agree,
hanging
out in mega malls is pretty fun, i miss all the shopping i did in KL
too
but does that mean that i don't have a life now? What an
unintellectual,
primitive definition of life..such a sad story..i pity your retarded
brain..

Let's have it your way then. Yes, i agree. We don't have a life. We are
so
backward in technology and science. In fact, we live in caves and we
get
into stone cars, and push it with our legs like the Flintstones..I
seriously don't know what a computer is..im actually carving these
words on
a stone wall and i have no idea how it managed to miraculously get into
the
internet for you to read. We have not discovered fire yet..so we eat
our
food raw..hopefully you will be our next victim..on second
thoughts..nah..yucks..what was i thinking..

And if the statement above actually made you happy..i wonder who
actually
needs a life right now...

I have got to go to now. It's getting dark and since we have not
discovered
fire yet, i can't see what im carving on the walls..so i shall retreat
to
my cave, have a dinner of raw wild boars and rise tomorrow..adios..

p/s: Pls dont ever think u can make conversation or good homour by
making
fun of a person's hometown UNLESS u know the person EXTREMELY well. Or
else, you are already unconciously putting up the first repulsive
shield
towards ur self..