Whisper of the heart

Without yourself, you are alone...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Anger

Here i begin all over again, something which i have left off for such a long time. The passion of writing just flickered, but didn't burn for some time. Now I have to paste my emotions on this virtual page, to cool off the anger in my mind.

How good life will be if you can only be with people who love you or at least like you and no one else in between? Why do I need to come across people who are absolute pigs even when I never did anything to provoke them in the first place. I am a person who enjoys being quiet. I enjoy my space. I talk when I feel it is necessary and it is mostly to people I am comfortable with. Hey, but that is not an invitation to attack me!

Recently two people entered my life. Okay one I know earlier. Another a newbie. Ah the haughtiness, the demands and the controlling obsession...

I am going to snap one day...I hope it won't be too ugly...
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Thursday, July 26, 2007

Hi all,

I am not sure if anyone is ever checking this blog. But the reason why I am writing now is because i would like to update on the story i wrote some time back. I am posting up the entire story again and will continue updating it over the weeks (hopefully) just to finish it up.

Well, if you had been following it, there's more! Enjoy! I haven't found a title yet though...

She sat in the corner wondering where she went wrong. She wondered where it all began…

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It was the month of August. Yes, she remembered it now. It was vivid. He was walking down the marble stairs of the police station clutching an official looking documents. She was climbing up the stairs to lodge a complain. Her small apartment down in the suburb was ransacked the night before, leaving her almost penniless except for a meager amount in the bank. It was her fault, she knows very well. Being almost lazy to do official transactions, she kept her savings in a small, almost rusty square tin given by her childhood friend a long time ago.

When she saw the mess in her house, she almost sighed a breath of relief. The tin was so rusty, she assumed the thief would have ignored it but it was right before her eyes fell on the mantelpiece where that tin was placed, always. It was almost assuring for her to see it everyday when she comes home, thinking that would be the money she would be using for her marriage when she finally finds that someone. Assuring until that day, when her frantic eyes began looking for the tin. The mantelpiece was empty. Empty. As empty has the hallow that her heart has seem to sunk in suddenly. She almost felt like kicking herself in the rear.

It was that evening when she rushed to the police station to lodge a report and she saw him. Men don’t usually interest her, except those who look like Roman gods, but this one held her attention even though her mind was half mad wondering how she would find all that stolen money.

He had an unusual gait. Slow, steady, patient, like time was his slave. He didn’t exactly resemble a Roman God but he oozed charm which held her enchanted for a moment. There was slight arrogance in him which usually repels her had it been some other man but this one provoked her interest and curiosity. She was piqued at herself for her foolishness. She was there for a serious issue. It wasn’t the right time to ogle at some stranger, albeit a charming one.

She tore her gaze away and walked up the steps, holding a breath as she drew near him. His scent was over powering. Masculine yet gentle. She stopped and stared. She couldn’t resist. The temptation was too strong.

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He turned and looked at her. Eye brows half raised, he smiled.

“Ah, my heart is melting”, she said to herself silently and walked away, cursing her sudden boldness to stare openly at a stranger.

“How rude, you should have smiled back instead of walking away,”, said the tiny voice in her head. She shook her head slowly and fastened her pace, only to lose her balance and tumble halfway. She let go of the small golden clutch held tightly in her hands and frantically held the banister to stop herself from falling. She gained her composure but the clutch flew open, emptying its contents on the cold marble steps.

She drew a sharp breath and looked at all her make-up, pathetically on display. He was standing still, looking at her. Flushed with embarrassment, she bent down and picked her things, muttering to herself when a moment later, he was beside, helping her.

“It’s okay. I can pick it up myself”, she hear herself telling him.

He just smiled and continued helping her. She hurriedly stuffed her things back into her clutch, hastily said her thanks and walked away. She was too mortified that she just wanted to leave.

“Miss!”, she heard him calling. She didn’t want to turn and face him again. Her pace quickened.

She heard him calling again, this time with a little more urgency. “Miss, you forgot this!” she turned only to see him hold her pink blush, the one with the silly Hello Kitty sticker on the lid.

She grabbed it and ran into the office without a word.
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It took her sometime to get her report lodged and the old and worn out policeman who attended to her seem disinterested with her distress. Dejected, she left the building forgetting her little episode hours before, only to see him standing there, leaning lazily on the balustrade. He looked up and smiled again. She willed the earth to open up and swallow her whole.
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She couldn’t sleep that night. The lost money and her messy apartment kept her awake all night. She tossed and turned, trying to find a nice spot and wishing for a deep, dreamless slumber but ended up feeling flustered and prickly. She got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. It was a rather dark, moonless night. She switched on the kitchen light, poured herself a glass of milk and sat on the counter, feeling almost sorry for herself.

It was then when she remembered him and her dramatic fall. She felt like laughing now.

“He must have thought I’m such a klutz”.

She felt silly again but her heart felt warm now.

“I must say, he was rather charming”, she said to herself. A smile crept up and the corners of her lips twitched. She forced herself not to smile although no one was there to judge. She just didn’t want to.

“Forget him”, she said out loud. Her milk all downed, she rinsed the slender glass and walked back to her bedroom in the small apartment. The moment she hit her bed, she slept peacefully.

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She was rudely woken up the next day when the phone in hall, rang. She cursed whoever who was calling and pulled a pillow over her head to muffle the sound. It was the weekend after all. She wanted to sleep longer. Waking up only brought her more misery.

The phone stopped ringing for a moment, only to begin again. Annoyed, she woke up and dragged her feet to the hall, cursing the cold marble floor and almost everything that got on her way.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Ms. Anita?”

“Yes?”

“Hi, I’m calling from the police station. We found your… erm…tin?”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, please come and collect it as soon as possible. Bye”

“Hey, wait! Is the money sti…?”

Click.

“Rude bastard”, she muttered to herself and got ready to get to the police station while keeping her fingers crossed that her savings in the tin was still intact. Somehow, she has a nasty feeling that it won’t be but she kept praying all the way.

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An hour later, she walked out of the station clasping the rusty tin. The money was stolen and the men at the station made fun of her tin. Spirits dampen, she walked over to the park nearby and sat on a wooden bench, sobbing.

“Hi, we meet again”
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Her heart made a slight leap hearing that voice. Turning slightly, she saw from the corner of her eyes, the same familiar stranger, looking at her curiously.

“Are you alright?”

Silence.

She doesn’t know why she keeps ignoring him. She continued pretending rather unsuccessfully that she didn’t hear him.

An uncomfortable silence ensued.

“Why do you freeze when you see me?”

That sentence made her heart leap and a moment later fizz into a flurry of anger.

“I don’t freeze when I see you. I’m just ignoring you, can’t you see?”

A sarcastic reply escaped her lips. Regret followed a minute later. She didn’t really want to hurt his feelings.

“Oh, I am sorry then. I’ll leave.”

He turned and walked away slowly, a look of hurt on his face. It tore her heart a little and ….

“Wait.”

Her lips surprised her. He stopped in his tracks and turned back slowly.

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have been so rude. I am so sorry; it’s just that I had so many things in my mind.”

“Oh, that’s alright. You looked worried and I was concerned but I forgot I was a total stranger.”

“I’m sorry again.”

“Want to go for a cup of coffee down the block?”

His straightforwardness surprised her. She looked up into his eyes.

“…. Or should I leave again?”

She smiled.

A cup of coffee never tasted better than that day.

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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Break!

My colleague sent out an email to his wife in Australia asking her to give him a nice sentence to write on a wedding gift card. One of my ex-colleague is getting married this weekend...

The reply from his wife:-

Dear ------,

Congratulations on your marriage. Hope you wife doesn't turn out to be a total bitch just like mine.

Regards,

-----------

Lol:-)
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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Nov?

I just felt that there is a need for this post.

A lot of things just totally changed for the past few weeks. I had chance to travel, to see some countries. Grateful I am indeed but it doesn’t seem glam to me, like how I used to think it should be.

On my last trip back, the moment I arrived back in KLIA, I had a bad news from home and I rushed back to Kedah right on the spot. The news was hard to swallow, even now I feel sad whenever I think about it. I guess I am growing up and all that I used to think will be with me forever will one day go away. I just can’t bring myself to swallow that. I shudder now. The bond is so strong, breaking it will be like breaking my heart into two, and it will never heal. Ever.

I still could not swallow the news, real as it is. Just the other day I was sitting in my office and the thoughts came in, probably reality just sunk too hard, I keeled over and rushed to the toilet and cried my hearts out. Then I wiped my tears, patted my face dry and walked out smiling again. I feel like a dummy sometimes, a dummy in a puppet show.

I just hope everything turns out fine and there will be no more bad news from home. The funny thing is, even though I feel sadness is killing me inside out, I do feel alive. Not from the pain but the fact that I am alive and I should be thankful. It’s a good thing I have something so strong to hold on to that I don’t get completely blown away. I know I say I’m being killed and then the next minute I say I feel alive. Sometimes words just can’t explain things.

2007. If things go according to the project plan, I would be celebrating New Year in another country. If it was me a few years ago, I would probably jump up and down in glee but right now, I’m still wreaking my brains trying to find someone else to replace me.

;-)
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

.....

I am slowly beginning to get what i have always dreamt of but now that i am there, i feel it's neither glamorous nor worth talking about.

I am happy being silent right now. I am beginning to be independant. I have something to be really happy about, it gives me happiness that nothing else could ever give me and it is indeed a great relief that nobody could ever take it away from me.

I won't be updating this blog for a very long time. Silence no longer seems deafening.

:-)
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Friday, September 29, 2006

ugh again!

I am so damn pissed with someone i just feel like ------- on --- ----.

And please dont bother messaging me asking who...and no, no foul word is on in blanks.
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Monday, September 25, 2006

Sigh!

I’m so tired of things that are going around me.

And I’m so tired of getting tired of all these.

It’s funny. I thought I had come so far but now suddenly, I feel the blues when I wake up in the morning, dreading the day.

I’m tired of crying and muffling the sound with my pillow, trying to keep all my despair to myself.

Sigh. I just don’t want this right now. I have had enough.
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