Naked post

I think I have never really appreciated my home the way I truly appreciated it last weekend.

It’s a different kind of feeling when you are back in your town. Sure, it doesn’t belong to me but in some way, undefined; it feels like it is mine and it waits for my return every time.

And the moment I stepped into my house, I caught myself subconsciously telling myself, ‘this must be how heaven would feel like’ and I realized how much I missed it, my home, my town and my beautiful family.

City life. Exciting. Exhilarating. For a few years, maybe. But being caught up in this mad race, all I ever want is to go home.

Not that I can’t be independent. Not that I cannot survive. Not that I’m a cry-baby or a complain box. But things seem to change. Drastically. It’s like sitting in a stationary train and seeing another moving train, thinking I’m moving. At the end of the day, I’ve not reached my destination.

Fun. Ideas of fun. Enjoyment. Ecstasy. Good. But I’m looking for peace. Coming back from work and finding an odd person sitting inside the house, only to find out the person is bunking in for a few days which later stretches for weeks. Messing and sharing the bathroom. Waking up in the middle of the night only to find the person sprawled in the hall, sleeping. Having to live in slight fear every time I step in the house.

And a living arrangement which I don’t fancy but have to in order to survive. All the lies and cover-ups. I’m living out of my principals and I hate it. I hate it!

I feel I have lost love. Out of principal, I feel I am almost losing the game. I’m wearing a double mask. The glue behind it stings.

The only thing I console myself is my job. Work environment. Compared to what I have survived, this is great. That’s the reason I don’t want to leave. Else I’m all packed up and ready to go.

I saw her during the Wesak day/Cittrai Paurnami celebration up north. She somehow reminded me of myself, a long time ago. I used to be like her. Untouched by this madness.

I shouldn’t be complaining. Like when I saw a blind man during my commute today and told myself if he can face the brunt of life, why can’t you? Sure. I can. Comparing myself to others in need, I should just shut up. But sometimes I just want to scream and find a way out of this mess.

I’m worried about people. A single wrong perception, a wrong word and I would find myself trying to swim through a muddy lake.

I miss my family. I don’t want them to be disappointed in me. In my actions. Coz right now, I feel like I have failed them. The feeling stinks.

I’m so worked up, trying to find a solution.

Emotionally, I’m so exhausted right now.

And I miss my mother. Where else can I find a person who constantly nags me for my own good and be the first to massage my head, make hot milo ( and hot Rasam for lunch, later in the day (-; ) and offer a Panadol tablet the very minute I complain of a slight headache?

My eyes are getting misty and I’m writing this from the office. Not good.

I stop here.