Whisper of the heart

Without yourself, you are alone...

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Deep thought

I have been reading a book titled The Journey Through Self Discovery by Swami AC Baktivendatha. It is a book that leads towards Krishna consciousness. People at work had been poking fun, asking after 22 years, have I not discovered myself? I used to reply saying that yeah, im still searching for my identity, I don’t even know who I am. That usually makes them quiet and they walk away with a smile, not rude, a smile that is half thinking, half-knowing and half-denying, if u get what I mean.

Although I could not accept some of the ideas written in the book, there was one point that got me into deep thought.

The Swami mentioned that we are like the rain. When rain falls from the sky, it is pure and crystal clear. But once it reaches the earth, it gets mixed with dirt and grime and becomes polluted. The same applies for humans. When we were born, we were pure but as time goes by, we become entangled in the worldly web and we begin to seek pleasure elsewhere.

What do we do? We eat, sleep, work, have sex and die. We get involved in all kinds of politics. House politics, office politics, and world politics. We gossip about other people. We pray for the sake of praying. We fight, we argue. We experiment things, we discover new stuffs. We travel, we invade. We declare war and we fight for independence. We worry about problems and we sometime seek for problems. And one day, the breath stops and we die. What have we achieved? What kind of life is this?

What is the use of exploring the moon? What is the use of discovering nuclear power? Accelerate death? True, knowledge is good, I am not denying science but what have we discovered about ourselves? What is the use of finding out the chemical contents of a grass? It’s still grass, isn’t it? Would it help that you know the contents of grass when you are struggling for your last breath? Who can tell me why we breathe? Don’t give me the scientific explanation of our breathing organs, tell me what enables us to breathe, what is the power that makes us breathe and what is the power that stops the breath one day? Tell me, tell me, tell me?

I could not provide the reason for this life. Why was I put here in the first place? People say it is to seek God but I don’t know how far that is true. I just know there is a deeper meaning to this life than just eating, sleeping and seeking for pleasure. I just wish I could find out the meaning. I am already getting sick of all these, the same cycle continues each day and one day when the time comes for me to leave, I don’t want to regret. I don’t want to leave with doubt in my heart and seriously speaking, I don’t want to be reborn to return back to this sinful world to continue the living cycle.

I am not afraid of death. Im just curious. Why die? To appreciate death? Then why live? To appreciate what? No one till now is able to give me a satisfactory answer.

The book says to be cleansed, think only of Krishna and chant Hare Rama. Maybe that’s true, I wouldn’t know but somehow I don’t think so. Different ideology, different thinking. Im getting fed up of it all. Who can provide me a good answer?

i am not writing this to argue or to debate. when it comes to life,we can sit and argue for days but i am not here to listen to ideas and opinions. just give me a satisfactory answer to my ultimate question.

Perhaps I have reached a stage where only if God himself comes and explains it all to me, I would be able to accept it. I am waiting and hoping against hope for that time to arrive.

waiting...


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