Clueless
Im back home. The ride back with my boyfriend, whom from now i shall refer as TN, his bro, another friend of his, and Kashie(till Ipoh) was great. The 5 hour ride felt short. Too short. Halfway, the friend was telling me ghost stories which freaked me till i was unable to sleep until my mum woke up to make breakfast at 6 am.(i reached home at 12am)Only then i managed to close my eyes in peace knowing someone alive was awake in the house, if you get what i mean..oh well, yeah i know..im such a chicken..a chick if you please..ahem..
The moment i reached home, it felt weird. It felt as if i have two lives. One in KL and whenever i come home, it seems as if my life resumes from the exact point i left it. Weird really. I'm kind of bored and i'm missing him so badly. God knows when i will be able to see him next but i shall not complain coz i know there's someone out there who has more heartache than he could handle, god bless you.
Im finding a gap in communicating with my parents. No, don't get me wrong. I love and respect them more than anything else and they love me too. I came home and my mum gave me an expensive gold bracelet as my graduation gift and they have already bought an expensive saree for me for deepavali,mine being the most expensive. No, don't get me wrong. Im not saying they love me based on what they give me, but it always feels that way, i always get the best from them, it's always like let 'akka' come home first before they went out for big dinner or let 'akka' see it first or something like that. But their expectations on me are sometimes a tad too high for me to fulfill but i have tried and that counts. Whatever that goes, im sad that i couldnt communicate with them. I couldnt tell them how i feel, what's going on in my life, what i want and things like that. Deep inside, i want to tell them everything. Every single thing. There's so many things that they don't know and i couldnt tell them either because there seems to be a strong thick wall of dissaproval right from the beginning.
I hate the feeling when i come home when i keep wishing i was back in KL. I hate it.They both know i have a boyfriend. Mum have never spoken to me about him until now even though she had met him twice. Dad always asks me in a way how a detective probes a suspect, such much that everytime he starts asking me something about him, i'll go 'oh no' in my heart. My parents are too engrossed in a meditation programme which they had been following from the day i was born. Worldly things don't really concern them too much. There's only devotional songs in the car, no movie cd unless i buy it and when im watching it, mum will say why can't you listen to some devotional videos than wasting your time watching this rubbish. Sometimes i get so uneasy that i usually wait until they go to bed before watching anything.
My parents expect me to follow their way. they have not really said it but i know what they want. Excel in education, marry someone they like and following the holy path of meditation. Im going the other way round and they don't really like it, i know. There's always something wrong. My hair is not nice. My dressing not good.
Deep inside im aching. Even as i write this, i'm crying. I have never felt this lonely in my life. I want to love coming home. I want to tell my mother about my boyfriend, what he did, what he bought for me, how is he, etc etc etc. I want to tell her what movie i went to watch, what i ate, what i bought. i want to joke and fool around with my father.At the same time, i want them to know im all grown up and know how to handle myself. Even when i came home, she said my jeans are too tight( i was wearing an oversized bell bottoms by the way and have no idea how it could be anything but tight) and ugly and asked me, why can't i wear all the punjabi suits that i have? Arghh.. How is it possible that i love my parents so much and they love me equally as well but there's a huge wall between us stops both sides from communicating each other's feelings? The only consolation i have are my siblings especially the youngest and im doing the best i can to listen to them and take note on what's happening in their lives whenever i could...
I don't even know where all these began...
I'm not an ungrateful child..im not..im not..im not..i love my parents. Love them madly as much as i love TN. I want them both, equally. And i want to talk to my parents, happily, unconditionally and play and joke with them. Why am i being deprived of that?
The moment i reached home, it felt weird. It felt as if i have two lives. One in KL and whenever i come home, it seems as if my life resumes from the exact point i left it. Weird really. I'm kind of bored and i'm missing him so badly. God knows when i will be able to see him next but i shall not complain coz i know there's someone out there who has more heartache than he could handle, god bless you.
Im finding a gap in communicating with my parents. No, don't get me wrong. I love and respect them more than anything else and they love me too. I came home and my mum gave me an expensive gold bracelet as my graduation gift and they have already bought an expensive saree for me for deepavali,mine being the most expensive. No, don't get me wrong. Im not saying they love me based on what they give me, but it always feels that way, i always get the best from them, it's always like let 'akka' come home first before they went out for big dinner or let 'akka' see it first or something like that. But their expectations on me are sometimes a tad too high for me to fulfill but i have tried and that counts. Whatever that goes, im sad that i couldnt communicate with them. I couldnt tell them how i feel, what's going on in my life, what i want and things like that. Deep inside, i want to tell them everything. Every single thing. There's so many things that they don't know and i couldnt tell them either because there seems to be a strong thick wall of dissaproval right from the beginning.
I hate the feeling when i come home when i keep wishing i was back in KL. I hate it.They both know i have a boyfriend. Mum have never spoken to me about him until now even though she had met him twice. Dad always asks me in a way how a detective probes a suspect, such much that everytime he starts asking me something about him, i'll go 'oh no' in my heart. My parents are too engrossed in a meditation programme which they had been following from the day i was born. Worldly things don't really concern them too much. There's only devotional songs in the car, no movie cd unless i buy it and when im watching it, mum will say why can't you listen to some devotional videos than wasting your time watching this rubbish. Sometimes i get so uneasy that i usually wait until they go to bed before watching anything.
My parents expect me to follow their way. they have not really said it but i know what they want. Excel in education, marry someone they like and following the holy path of meditation. Im going the other way round and they don't really like it, i know. There's always something wrong. My hair is not nice. My dressing not good.
Deep inside im aching. Even as i write this, i'm crying. I have never felt this lonely in my life. I want to love coming home. I want to tell my mother about my boyfriend, what he did, what he bought for me, how is he, etc etc etc. I want to tell her what movie i went to watch, what i ate, what i bought. i want to joke and fool around with my father.At the same time, i want them to know im all grown up and know how to handle myself. Even when i came home, she said my jeans are too tight( i was wearing an oversized bell bottoms by the way and have no idea how it could be anything but tight) and ugly and asked me, why can't i wear all the punjabi suits that i have? Arghh.. How is it possible that i love my parents so much and they love me equally as well but there's a huge wall between us stops both sides from communicating each other's feelings? The only consolation i have are my siblings especially the youngest and im doing the best i can to listen to them and take note on what's happening in their lives whenever i could...
I don't even know where all these began...
I'm not an ungrateful child..im not..im not..im not..i love my parents. Love them madly as much as i love TN. I want them both, equally. And i want to talk to my parents, happily, unconditionally and play and joke with them. Why am i being deprived of that?
posted by BluePixie @ 12:31 AM
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